Thursday, March 13, 2014

Yeah Well So.. The Oscars

Whoever thought we'd need to tell the gays to get a life? I'm late on this Oscars recap but seriously, to those queens screaming that miss apple pie Ellen made a "transphobic" joke because she told Liza she mistook her for an impersonator, pick your battles. This need to validate your proud victimhood is not going to make you any happier. More importantly, it is alienating your allies and playing the boy who cried wolf to your cause. Times were when the gays were doing all the offending, so let's try going back to transgressive, caustic and controversial instead of sounding exactly like those noxious idiots who claim Disney's Frozen is somehow trying to turn kids lesbian. 

Speaking of frozen, how about Kim Novak's face?

And the irony of her presenting the animation Oscar to Frozen? I mean, we know that Novak fell down a belltower or two in Vertigo, which will bang a girl up, but what was she thinking? It's spooky because the subtext of Vertigo's plot (man changes perfectly beautiful woman's appearance to turn her into his ideal blonde) is eerily exactly what the woman has done to herself. In fact, she should be busy reanimating Jimmy Stewart's rotting corpse for its sequel, Vertigo Strikes Back. I'm not without compassion for her, especially concerning the way women were treated in the studio era and this great blog post, Let's Talk About Kim Novak, paints a picture that includes Columbia's Harry Cohn and puts it all into perspective with a telling finish, "No wonder Novak, like Tippi Hedren, Doris Day and Brigitte Bardot, has long said she’d rather spend her time with animals."

How sweet and endearing and just full of grace were the speeches of Jared Leto and Lupita Nyong'o? Even though that 12 Years A Slave was like violence porn with a terribly pat conclusion and Dallas Buyers Club was a movie about the AIDS plague starring a homophobic straight dude - now I'm the one ready to cry victim! Of course I wasn't seething at all with envy as they won their awards and even more as they each thanked their brothers and call them their best friends. I share barely more than a name with my siblings, but they drew me in that lotto, too, so I guess the joke's on us all.

Loving Lupita's rainbow of awards season dresses... 

If it were even possible, I was loving Angelina Jolie even more than ever... seeing her talk about her mother as she received a humanitarian award, and then her coming out with Sidney Poitier to the theme song from The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg? I haven't experienced ecstasy like that since the '90s!

The best was John Travolta getting vertigo of the mouth and not mispronouncing Idina Menzel's name but assigning her a new one, Adele Dazeem. If he wasn't speaking through his sci-fi thetan god Xenu, clearly he was trying to quell gay rumours pretending not to know who Idina Menzel is. His flub has been great for her career, however, and now you can even Travoltify your own name online.

Jesse Archer travoltified is... Jae Allorn!

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