Saturday, October 06, 2012

Got The Creepy Crawlies

I thought it was just a shadow, but there it was racing across the carpet in my room - a spider bigger than my HAND! A Jurassic, hairy, 8-legged thing. I grabbed a shoe to kill it but then, maybe it would squirt acid alien blood? I picked up my phone to call Richard. "Don't kill it," he said. "It's just a friendly Australian tarantula." Alas, my first introduction to the notorious Australian HUNTSMAN spider:
I've heard of them before. They're harmless as a daddy longlegs, but 600x as big. In fact, it eats daddy longlegs. It doesn't make webs, it kills prey with its venom. And it catches prey by racing after them at a rate of 1 yard per second. 1 yard per second! Richard came into my room to scurry it out the window, but then, in one quick second, it ran under my bed.

Though its venom is harmless to humans, Huntsman spiders kill just as many humans as redbacks and funnel web spiders when it hops out of steering wheels or drops into laps of unsuspecting freeway drivers. Scream, swerve, smash!
Richard seemed to think I should just go to bed and forget about the Jurassic arachnid lying in wait beneath it! "It's more scared of you than you are of it" "It's harmless," "It will keep the insects away!" --- well bring on the insects. I will swap a hornet's nest for that creeping thing. Nothing would entice me to sleep in that bed with FANGS underneath it, not even an IV drip of morphine. You say it's harmless, but what happens when it crawls on my face and I wake up to find it laying eggs in my mouth? Huh? I've SEEN the Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii, and Peter woke up to a tarantula doing exactly that.

We tore up that bed and hunted the Huntsman until he galloped out the window! 


Anonymous said...

Dear "Got The Creepy Crawlies,"

I guess a few continents have their versions of Tarantulas. Which one would win out as far as size is concerned is anyone's guess!

Tony said...

Damn! What a creepy thing that is. Just as well you didn't sleep with it...

Anonymous said...

...and don't forget to mention you actually have a hornets' nest growing outside you very own bedroom as we,type! Can you please do a similar investigative project on that type of hornet and the dangers they pose - then maybe we organise a bout between them and your friend "Hunter" the killer spider!!! rickyricardo

Jesse Archer said...

Or maybe I could mate them and create a beast to rival Sharktopus!