Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Bleeding White Knuckles meet Julie Garden

The month of Ocsober is half-way over and I’m climbing up the walls! In AA, they call this being a “dry drunk”. One thing that bothers me about AA is all the vernacular, aphorisms, and steps with a higher power. They wouldn't even say I'm sober this month, I'm just a dry drunk since I'm not following the program.  What I’m doing this month is called “white knuckling” and let me just say the white knuckles are bleeding! Wouldn't yours?
I’m not worried that I might be an alcoholic, because each time I’ve sworn a month off  – be it a Dry July, September to Remember or OcSober, I’ve always been able to keep my pledge. I’ve also always done it with friends and NEVER once has that friend been successful. Should I name and shame? This go round it means YOU, Gerald! Gerald’s had his share of Ocsober “busts”  – another AA term. 

While we’re on messed up language – if I said SPAGBOL, would you get it? That's Aussie for Spaghetti Bolognese. Cute, right? ALMOST as cute as Mozzie (mosquito) or Lino (linoleum), which has to be my favorite when it comes to cute-ified Aussie vernacular.  

Then there’s my favorite fitness instructor (talk about cute-ification), Winkin’ Will (sigh) – who this morning said, “This DID LEFT (dead lift) track is awful, nasty and going to make you sick. I hope you didn’t have a big breakfassssst!” He’s Aussie but he sounds Kiwi when he talks about working out our LIGS and HEPS and then the DID LEFTS. I must could kiss him.  

Finally, there is Bam – there should be a term for what he does. It’s not spoonerism, or maybe it is. He mixes up the middle of words. You should hear him try and say the word “debilitating”. It comes out “deliberating”. And when I say, “What about your debilitating speech impediment?” He yells, “I don’t have a speech imdepiment!” 
He's always been excellent fodder for my writing. In the film Half-Share, he inspired the following drunken dinner exchange:
"You're being obstreperous."
"I'm not giving up strippers!"  

He just keeps on giving. Ella Fitzgerald was playing on the radio and I asked Bam if he knew her voice. He has trouble with these things, too. For example, he can’t tell the difference between J.LO, Angelina Jolie, and Beyonce. He swears they are all the same person. So when I ask if he knows the classic honey voice on the radio, he thinks a moment and responds, “Is it JULIE GARDEN?”

I really lost it there. Judy Garland would call that a DRY DRUNK!


Auntie M said...

BJ says about his drinking days, "I wasn't an alcoholic. I was a drunkard."

Jesse Archer said...

Hmmm maybe I should use that!