Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Cuban Boob Job for Your Cock

I write copy for the web’s top nude male objectification site Paragon Men!  Each month, hunky XXX beefcakes flood my inbox and it's my job to make them sound interesting and engaging. So I make up a lot of shit. Who else will describe a hot naked muscle stud with both occupy politics and a nod to Tallulah Bankhead?
oh fuck, I misspelled Tallulah
That unlikely triple is a scalene triangle, all emphasis on its compelling hypotenuse. And that’s precisely how the copy gets carried away…

How many ways can you describe cocks, muscles and sperm? It tends to go back to basics like botany (sequoia trunks), geology (granite), and smutty metaphors (DNA pudding) that also weave in the likes of Carmen Miranda, Rhett Butler or being offered hard candy in the back of daddy’s sedan. The fact is, my copy better be unexpectedly captivating if it’s going to be read at all, seeing as it lives beside all those attention-grabbing, phenomenal physiques.

As I scrape the depths of horny euphemism and worshipful hyperbole - I discover. For example, I got the hot loaded line up for January which includes one stud who team Paragon thought had a wart at the base of his cock. When they asked him, he told them it was a “pearl” –

My only question was: “Is he Cuban?” and Paragon HQ responded, “How did you know?” 
Behold: La perla, in repose (at cock base) - in one of the un-airbrushed photos 
Let me just reveal all I know right here because there is scant info about this freaky Perla genital beading cock amplification online. It’s not pumping, not pills, not collagen – it’s PERLA! And it’s not uncommon in Cuba to cut open your cock (on purpose!), place a hard object (or two or more) known as a pearl (perla) inside, then – sew it back up and go on your merry way. Why? Oh why! Apparently, this rise or bump hits the clitoris when fucking – making sex more pleasurable to women. Or imaginably more pleasurable, which is the exact same thing.

This genital mutilation (Carribean circumcision?) is, from what I hear, not a big deal. And it's not a surgical procedure done at a licensed, sanitary doctor’s office, btw: this an at-home, get your anaesthetic from a pal, stick it in a syringe and shoot your dick before you slice it open like a papaya kind of surgery) solely to enhance sexual pleasure. So honestly, Perla is more like a boob job for cocks. A back alley, DIY boob job.

You can put anything you want in there. A pebble, a homing device, your mother-in-law – it’s not necessarily a pearl, or even pearl-like (who can afford a pearl in Cuba?) Anything hard or durable works. In fact, I met someone who inserted the broken end of a plastic toothbrush.Who knows - perhaps when in there long enough it will crust over and give birth to an actual pearl? Just add sand? 

A profitable new industry may now be gestating inside the male members of this island nation. But tell me – can you (or your clitoris) get into this fetish? Is this gonna go global? Does the perla turn. You. On? 

11 comments:

Eddie in OKC said...

the things I learn from you, Jesse ... Wishing you the very best holiday season XO

Jesse said...

oh these pearls of, er, wisdom...

Happy Holidays, EDDIE!! :) XOXO

SaintSinner said...

Okay, you had me until you invoked the sacred name of Tallulah Bankhead on a porn website. Oh, the shame!

Merry/Happy Ramahanachrismakwanzaaka!

SaintSinner said...

But seriously, gorgeous, hiring you to be the wordsmith for a porn site is like hiring Dr. Sanjay Gupta to deal with a hangnail.

Jesse Archer said...

haha, why thank you!!

And c'mon, don't you think Tallulah would've loved it? :)

Anonymous said...

While I'm not sure even I can see the Tallulah Bankhead resemblance with Muscle Man#1 (but nice try on your part!)but can't believe you didn't comment on the stunningly similar Karen Black-like 'gaze' on M.M.#2! ...or maybe you weren't looking at his eyes?

Ricky Ricardo

Jesse Archer said...

Ricky, you're right he is a bit cross eyed. As was my gaze, clearly!

Anonymous said...

The obligatory "Carry On" obvious gag rule means I have to reply and correct you and say: "Not so much cross-eyed as cock-eyed!" (Boom, tish.)

Ricky Ricardo

Anonymous said...

My husband is Cuban and has this pearl let me just say iv been with him for 11 years Now and yes it works and feels good I'm glad he had this done :)

victor budzyn said...

i met a guy with a couple perlas . . . he told me one was a broken toothbrush piece too!!! . . . I think it's a prison thing . . . . it's hot as fuck, tho!!!

Anonymous said...

I have a cuban Boyfriend been together 17 yrs I love the pearl