Thursday, September 29, 2011

There Goes Another First: COLONICS!

Sometimes you really DO want to feel empty inside! I've done it, my first colonic irrigation "treatment". I've met people who swear by colonics, and word on the advertising street is that they will not only clear your bowels, they'll clear your complexion, cure cancer and probably do your dishes (don't visualize that one).

I lay down on a table beside a panel of knobs and levers that look like something from the Apollo shuttle. The intrepid aeronautical engineer (aka "therapist" Cecilia) sticks a well-lubed tube up my bum and massages my stomach while we literally talk shit for an hour!

She fills me up and lets it out just as I feel full, "There's a good movement," she says as we watch it float by in a large glass tube in the mechanical panel, "Looks like you have a bit of candida, oh - take it easy on the fizzy drinks and whoa...there goes Ali Baba's treasure trove!"

Afterward - I did feel lightweight and like giving high-fives to the world. Yes, I finally understand why ads accompanying colonics always feature exuberant women gaily frolicking in wheat fields:

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
All of this kinda makes you wonder what is REALLY going on at the nunnery?

As an anniversary gift, I brought Bam along for the experience, but(t), er, not in tandem. Later that day, we went to the dentist for a cleaning and checkup. One day, two men, four orifices! It was epic.

According to Cecilia, you're actually supposed to get 3 colonics over the course of a month in order to reach the black crud tucked away far up there in the transverse or ascending colon. Three colonics would obviously result in a Katy Perry video:

Who's ready to go full-firework?

1 comment:

Tony said...

And I always wondered what was wrong with Julie Andrews spinning around on that mountaintop. You've cleared it up: she's looking for the outhouse.