Friday, April 01, 2011

Who is that Jesse Archer?

After my 2nd interview for a job in the real world, Human Resources took me into her private office, looked me in the eye, and uttered the three words I most did not want to hear: I googled you. 

Can you hear the needle scratching across the record?

I was perplexed, so I went home and I googled myself.  Clearly, there must be some misunderstanding.  I'm not the only Jesse Archer in the world.  Allow me to fumigate these search engine results which, shockingly, only appear to be missing a mugshot.

Dear Human Resources,

Should google refer you to any writing that is provocative, irreverent, salacious, sacreligious, shocking, appalling, or otherwise unseemly - please know that the pen and sick mind belong to one delinquent and deleterious Jesse Archer who flutters about the 7th ring of hell besmirching my good name.

I realize Google images is also problematic, and I'd like to offer explanations to a few of the images you may have come across in your search to unearth the person applying for a position within your upstanding company.
One word: PHOTOSHOP!
Two words: PHOTO SHOP!!

Let me explain:  My mate and I were playing a game of footie, when a venomous snake suddenly bit the inside of my cheek.  My mate quickly acted to suck out the poison and in so doing, saved my life.

My friend here is Lebanese.  This is how males greet one another in Beirut. I hope you are understanding of different customs and cultures.
I am mortified.  TMZ captured one of the most terrifying moments of my life!

Yes, I was doing a campaign for Calvin Klein.  The concept was: Why you really should wear his underwear.  It was a highly successful campaign, as evidenced by the fact you are right now wearing underwear.  I hope.

My twin sister does not wear underwear.  She is a tramp and the family is bereft.
Ahh, Beijing 2008 - you've finally stumbled on to something.  This is really me and my body!


elisa said...

Jesse, I googled you right two seconds ago and I have to tell you, both results than images are all nice, and I'm sincere. You appear on nice blogs written by nice people, there are no nasty comments at all. I don't know what any human resources employee could question if not one thing, and if that is the one, than you are better off that company.

The Blackout Blog said...


Jesse Archer said...

thanks Elisa. Hire me? :)

elisa said...

you would not believe it, but I thought about it ;-) unfortunately my real-life job is not interesting at all, and that is the reason why I have my blog. The only benefits were the travels and even that are now limited. And Australia is the only continent where my firm don't have offices or clients. But if I happen to hear any interesting chance I will definitely let you know, and again I'm sincere.

Jesse Archer said...

@Blackout Blog - you're right. There is a Jesse Archer who was murdered last year in Canada. 26 year old drummer, poor guy.
Elisa, you're so sweet!!! XOXOXO

Nash said...

I agree with Elisa that you are better off that company. Who in his right mind would refer to Google in assessing the credentials of an applicant? That's just ridiculous! By the way, I must say that you're blog is so engaging. You might consider sticking to blogging than looking for an employer, haha! :)

elisa said...

oh and BTW, the "calvin klein" pic? HOT HOT HOT, only for that if I could I would hire you :-)

Auntie M said...

Put me down as reference, Sweetie.

Jesse Archer said...

hahaha!! ;)
@Nash - thank you, if only blogging paid. Google ADS actually blocked me from putting their ads on here as my content broke their terms of use. Do you think they googled me? ;)

Anonymous said...

Clearly that's a dopppleganger, a double.
Well at least Human Resources can't accuse him of actually showing his dick, so he's not a porn star.
(Would that have helped?)
That Jesse Archer, whoever he may be, is clearly too hot to handle.
But OMG his sister is a babe! What a rack she's got!
Maybe she could do the job.

BTW, what kinds of jobs is Jesse Archer applying for anyway?
Evangelical pastor? Youth counselor? Law enforcement? Political office?
I know, Human Resources Officer.

Seriously Jesse, the double standard pisses me off. But hang in there.


Auntie M said...

Elisa, You are right about the CK shot, hot is the word! I use this picture for my phone background!! BTW, I love your site. XOXO

Haven said...

Thanks for the nice site.

Anonymous said...

I am shocked! You wear underwear?!
Why would a handsome, masculine and obviously freespirited bloke bother with something as superfluous as undertogs, invented by victorians to oppress male sexuality!

(only half-joking btw. The Victorian bit is true, and I always feel it's sacrilege to wrap such handsome blokes in unnecessary layers. Only makes their best assets sweaty & funky in a bad way ;-)