Sunday, March 20, 2011

Snooping killed the cat!

How do they describe you sight unseen?  I love finding out what people honestly think about you - behind your back, bitterly to your face, whatever.  We got together with Bam's family today to welcome a visiting cousin (his dad's brother's son) who the family hadn't seen for fifty years!

Being as it had been a while....Bam's sister Adrienne put together a list of who the cousin and his wife would be meeting at the get -together, with a little description of everyone.  Naturally, I was extremely curious as to how I'd be described, so I cornered the cousin's lovely wife!  I had been listed as "Jesse: Bam's partner".  She also said that in parenthesis it read: "(male)".

So I'm thinking that's it?  That's not very interesting.  Surely there's something....saltier?  "Well," she added, "Adrienne did also write: Dad used to hate homosexuals but now he's cool with them."

Cut to: everyone laughing and Bam's dad saying, "What's so funny?  Are you talking about me?" 

Yes!  Talking about you talking about us talking about what she said to her about you.  Oooh it's such a juicy circle, isn't it?  Of course it usually doesn't end with a laugh.  Usually finding out the truth about what people say about you backfires COMPLETELY.  Like if you're me and sometimes permit yourself to read the nasty (always anonymous) things people write about you on gay blogsites (because everyone knows gays hate themselves so much they look into a mirror and want to scratch their eyeballs out just like a beta fish)! 

But beyond the internet, finding out what people are saying about you will usually backfire by confirming that so and so thinks your a twat, discover you've got a frienemy, or be scarred for life like my friend Jesse. 

In the mid 90's I was on the island of St. Maarten with my friend Jesse for a few months working as extras on an epic fail called SPEED 2.  At the time, Jesse had a crush on me (probably because we had the same name and looked alike and everyone knows gays are so vain they look in a mirror and just want to marry themselves!) and when we weren't pretending to panic and run from an out of control cruise ship headed for shore (oh the depth of imagination!), we were swimming in the crystal sea of Cupecoy Beach.  One day when I came out of the water, I found Jesse fuming on the beach.  My diary open beside him.

He swore he was just lying in the sun not paying any attention when a "slight breeze" blew open my diary and he saw his name there.  That slight breeze gave his eyeballs a FEAST.  He fed on its pages, the words blazed into his brain forever.  I had written that I only liked Jesse as a friend.  I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend because (oh the depth of my character!) his body was "soft, like a woman"!!!

Jesse is still traumatized.  To this day he won't let me forget it.  And I wonder how many "slight breezes" have since come between him and other people's diaries?

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