Thursday, January 27, 2011

You better find that boogie body!

Need a lift today?  How about this hot mess of a maniac Jazzercise mashup from TV carnage?  This carnage is filled with an exercise instructor so rabid, so highly quotable, she prompted someone to pithily comment: “So this is what crack does to good people!” 
C’mon, find your pelvis.  I know you’ve got one and it’s okay to move it!  If you’re not inspired by this woman (impossible!) then be inspired by jazzercising elephants!  You may be asking yourself:  What are elephants doing in a workout video?  Not just elephants, but epileptic elephants!?  Who cares!   
It’s random.  Random in the way I came home once to find Bam Bam drunk with a complete stranger, insisting that I write a musical about the life of Josephine Bonaparte*.
It’s horror.  Horrorific like when you’re being stalked by a murderer on the phone.  You hang up, call 911 and the operator says: “He’s dialing from inside your house!”
It’s camp.  Camp as Ann Miller tap dancing on a giant can of soup.
It’s something you just have to try, just because if you weren’t curious you wouldn’t have read this far. I’m someone who will taste anything new and if it tastes especially disgusting I will definitely turn to you, my friend, and say, “It’s disgusting.  You absolutely HAVE to try it!”  So here comes the spoon, open wide and say ahhhhh!
And don’t go to bed with no price on your head, honey!
*Bam Bam still thinks this is a good idea.


Tony said...

Hey Jesse -

Still looking for my pelvis.

Here's an angle for the Josephine Bonaparte musical:
As you know, Napoleon divorced her because she couldn't bear him children and also because of her numerous affairs with handsome young cavalry officers. So maybe "she" couldn't have children because she was actually a tranny. And the handsome cavalry officers were way hotter than that shrimp Napoleon. How's that for an egregious perversion of history?

Bam Bam said...

EXCELLENT! This is exactly the angle I was looking for! Tony, Jesse is too narrow minded top cope with our brilliance. This would be a hit!

Tony said...

Right, Bam. Now all we have to do is get Elton John or Jake Shears to write the music. Or maybe Rufus Wainwright, since he's already written an opera. What about Jesse for the part of Joe/Josephine?

Glenn Drake said...

LOL You guys are so funny! I was busting a rib when I read this. Why not name the musical "Bone Apart: The Next Best Thing to Being There".

Jesse Archer said...

I swear this Josephine Bonaparte thing will just not go away, will it? I must admit I'm kind of sold on the Bone-Apart!! Jo/Josephine - I'll write the lyrics if we can persuade Gore Vidal to write the book.