Wednesday, November 17, 2010

How did Chelsea Handler end up with my Bible?

I met a ton of lovely people at the Indy GLBT film festival this year -- its incredible director, Royce, booked me all the way back in June!  Violet Tendencies was the opening night film and the audience was amazing!  Also performing last weekend in Indianapolis was irreverent comic Chelsea Handler

My friend Dan Evans, by chance, was also in Indianapolis for the weekend (he's from there).  He also donated his New York showroom to use as the "Bradleigh" office in the film -- it looks amazing!  We were going to lunch one day, and as I'm racing around the hotel to find my wallet, I open a drawer at the Hilton and find (again, always disturbingly): the Bible. 

I've noted before how displeasing it is to find a Bible in a secular hotel room.  How the only fair thing to do would be to leave a Book of Mormon, a Qur'an, Dr. Seuss' holy Cat in the Hat, and an anthology of Aesop's Fables in the same secular Hilton drawer. Since this will never happen, the only other fair thing to do is to get rid of it.

But you can't just toss a Bible in the hotel room garbage, because Mariela the maid will simply put it back in the drawer.  Old Mariela isn't thinking that if it weren't for this book she wouldn't be speaking spanish, her ancestors wouldn't have been slaughtered in its name, and instead of worshiping a  vainglorious god, she'd likely instead be bowing down before scientific pursuit, the stars, or a dogma-free waterfall, but we won't go there because thought is one thing faith does not require.

Forget Mariela, I think that without this book I would have equal rights, a better relationship with my family, and though I'd still be just as flouncy bouncy, I'd be minus the anger - the underlying gravitas - which I suppose drives me to do things like toss Bibles into garbage cans.  But Indy is not New York and I can't find a garbage before Dan picks me up for a fabulous lunch at the Capitol Grill, a ritzy spot attached to the Conrad Hilton.  When I get out, I leave the Bible on the seat and Dan says: "Not in my car!"  So I take it into the restaurant.

We're finishing a bottle of wine, when who walks by our table but Chelsea Handler and rapper 50 Cent!  She was to perform that night, (taking far too many viewers away from the Indy LGBT film festival!) and Dan says to the waiter, "if there's 4 or less people with her, I'd like to buy them a round."  The waiter says there are 7.  Dan says, "Nevermind, we don't like her that much." But we do, really.

I love her decidedly un PC talk show Chelsea Lately, and the titles of her bestselling books like: Are you there Vodka?  It's me, Chelsea.

Then there's the Bible sitting beside me.  Dan and I get an idea, our waiter has a Sharpie, and he delivered this right to her table.
"Chelsea - Give 'em Hell tonight!"


carms said...


Tony said...

Hey Flouncy Bouncy -

Better watch out, someone might mistake you for a missionary, handling out Bibles like that.

Actually, my nomination for a companion book to the hotel bibles is a copy of Plato's dialogues, or maybe just a copy of his "Symposium," which as you probably know is, among other things (Beauty, Ideals), about M/M love.

Jesse Archer said...

Tony, great idea. And reading recommendation!