Saturday, October 16, 2010

Beaverton back in the headlines! PLUS: How Jane Russell sucks dino dick

Now you understand where I get my crazy!  My illustrious hometown of Beaverton, Oregon has nabbed a would be burglar at the mineral museum....dressed in a suit of peat moss!  Moss-Man's mug shot:
Do you think he'll let me borrow that for Halloween?  But seriously, Beaverton will drive you to the brink!  The reports have moss man attempting to steal into the mineral museum for a couple of gold nuggets.  Times are tough!  Turns out it was only the police who were from my illustrious hometown, but the museum is in neighboring Hillsboro which in my day was called Hillsburrito for all its Mexican immigrants.

My own heritage is more Mexican than anything else, and having picked strawberries in Hillsboro fields during my teenage summers for like 12 cents a hallock, I'm practically a migrant myself.  Truth be told, there were honestly more Cambodian migrants than anyone else in those fields, but who cares.  We're all the same species, right?

A truth understood better today after a visit to the Natural History Museum, where I was reminded of our own minute (and lucky) place in the cosmos.  Did you know there is a galaxy called "cartwheel"?  Let's go!!

I also discovered that a quasar is a really super bright core of a galaxy.  Can you imagine which sparkly queer is in charge of the quasar in cartwheel?  What else can I tell you (trying desperately to move on from the galaxy named cartwheel!!!)?

In the extinct mammal hall, there is this skeletal display of an extinct midget camel, and they arranged the remains just as they were found, having died in a drought.  Remember, when dying of drought, rot, or cancer--to pick a pleasing pose.  Museums are waiting!  One of these mini-camels died with its legs spread like a slutty invitation, which gave a whole new meaning to dying with dignity.

While I was in the dinosaur exhibit, I saw the whole evolution of the horse -- there was a quote by one of the museum's top researchers, who said the horse was so incredible and such perfect support for evolution; proving "an onion could become a lily".  The horse used to be a mess!! And now look at it: Secretariat.  The Hanovarian.  Black Beauty!

Once, a billion years ago, the horse was a multi-toed creature.  I've often wondered (ask Bam Bam) about the point of our toes. I am a big hater of toes.  They gross me out.  Toes are purposeless purveyors of fungi.  I do understand that we need something beyond the ball of our feet for balance and walking -- but why are they separate five fingered toes?  It's not like they can grasp or do anything handy (or fingery).  Toes are fucking useless!!  So I've told many a friend (or Bam who doesn't listen) that toes should merely be a unit.  A joined block.

Whilst in the museum, I noticed the horse's (once an onion, now a lily) toes which evolved into the very practical HOOF.  What the hell is wrong with our own evolution that we haven't evolved some kind of a hoof-like replacement for toes?  Who can I speak to about this particular issue??

Atheism is bringing me to JANE RUSSELL.  Can you believe she is still alive?  Gentlemen may prefer blondes, but longevity prefers brunettes!  Did you know old Janey poo (maintaining an air of dignified trannie glamour at nearly 90) is still alive and a bible thumping conservative!?

Of course she got her start as a busty, lusty sex symbol, discovered by Howard Hughes who proclaimed: "Men go to see Jane Russell for two reasons.  Those are good enough."  And the film which ushered her stardom "The Outlaw" took years to be released through the tough Hollywood Hayes code of censorship decorum.  When it finally did, Jane was featured rolling around in the hay with all the film's posters exclaiming, "Wanna tussle with Russell?"

She had no problem with that!  But now sister Christian believes that lefty Hollywood ilk are "not well", and she also doesn't believe in a woman's right to choose -- even in cases of rape or incest. Her quote from People should never, ever have an abortion. Don't talk to me about it being a woman's right to choose what she does with her own body. The choice is between life and death.

Let's dig deep under my moss suit and discover that Jane Russell had an abortion when she was young, and it was botched.  She was never able to have more children, but ended up adopting three children, and founding an adoption agency that began the whole spate of foreign adoptions in the USA.  All fine and well, but why should other women not be able to choose?  It appears Jane Russell is just as much a hypocrite as fellow beauty Loretta Young.   

In the museum today I learned dinosaurs are not entirely extinct. All birds - pigeons, parrots, and the exotic Quetzal inclusive, are part of the prehistoric dinosaur-era ancestry.  Born-again feathered quacks Jane Russell and Loretta Young front and center.


Anonymous said...

first of all i love jane russell, who cares what she thinks about abortion. she is entitled to her opinion. the woman is a legendary moviestar and has managed to do something right to live to her golden years of nearly 90. god bless you jane !!
when you me and jane were all younger our perspectives were different than they are when you get older. as we get older we value life more because more of life becomes part of our past. i am 52 and definately have a different opinion on everything than i did when i was in my 20's.
loretta young did have a child out of wedlock in the 1930's with clark gable while he was married to someone else and she never told him until the 1950's, when the girl wanted to know who her father was. loretta may have had an abortion as many women did back then. all abortions were illegal before roe vs wade and were done by back alley butchers who did more harm than good. many women including loretta young as well as marilyn monroe were left unable to carry a fetus to full term because of all the scarring from the many abortions. i fully support adoption if you are able to provide a loving home for children who would otherwise languish in orphanges.
so i would give loretta and jane a second look and some respect. they have done the best they could with the options and choices they had available to them during their lives. loretta young has long since passed as well as clark gable but i am happy yo know jane russell is still amongst the living.

Jesse Archer said...


I also loved Jane Russell (and also Loretta Young) until I discovered that despite being famous for her breasts, she champions conservative politics and laws against abortion even in cases of rape or incest.

I understand these women had limited options and as young women they did the best they could, which is why I cannot understand why age should bring them not wisdom, but dogma.

Tony said...

Hey Jesse -

Guess you didn't hear about the armless guy who won the China's Got Talent show by playing the piano with his toes.
For real. Check it out on YouTube -

TexMike said...

Feet are gross. I have always felt that we should be born with wheels.