Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Ticked off Trannies with Knives

Mariah Carey, eat your heart out! I'm giving hot cleavage to Ivana Tramp!
With my friend Chad in Dallas.  Clearly addicted to this pose.
Just back from Texas and missing the great folks down there as well as the Sheraton Fort Worth, which played host to a SHRINERS convention. Have you seen these Shriners? They are like drag queens who tote wives and children.

The men wear this giant red fez with a tassle, bedazzled with a crescent, claws of a tiger and a sphinx. Yes, I have looked it up! It all gives them a vaguely foreign air, which makes it appear that they've once left the country (doubtful). They support the Shriner's hospital for sick children and I'm a big fan of the bling (at least until I hear they disapprove of my drag!)

After Violet Tendencies' screening at Q-Fest, it was a thrill to catch a sneak of Rob William's upcoming Role/Play, and also New Left Media's viral shorts from tea party rallies where the participants speak their minds. I mean mouths! I really wanted to stay and see more films, but I had a plane to catch!

The night before, my friends Chad and Rob took me into Dallas (there's this odd rivalry between Ft. Worth and Dallas.  They say it's got "Dallitude" (cue Alexis Carrington and the theme song)  Well we went out on the town and met "Sugar", a drag queen who kept switching out her wigs.  She'd have a blonde one in her purse and dark one on her head and then, bam!  She'd switch em out.  When I saw her pole dancing with both wigs and pulling the hem of her dress into a sari, I sputtered "You are a master illusionist!"

And she is!  Sugar gives a spoonful of Aerosmith here.  Note wig #2 waits in purse.

I asked Sugar if she got her name from Marilyn Monroe's character in the movie "Some Like It Hot", which she denied.  Did you know it took Marilyn something around 38 takes to get out the line, "It's me, Sugar!" Billy Wilder famously said he was too old and too rich to ever work with her again.  Unprofessionalism is so unappealing.  That goes for you to, Judy Garland!  These broads kept people waiting for days because they couldn't haul heir bones out of bed and get it together.  Can you imagine what it was like to be one of their co-stars, directors, or stage-hands?  Oof, I just dissed Judy.

Blame it on the Dallitude!  Dallas is the trans-capitol of the country, or so it appears.  We checked out club S4 where sexy Krystal Summers does her thing.  Her "thing" consists of slinking around the room mostly naked to collect hundreds of dollar bills. This must be a Dallas phenomenon, because I've never seen it anywhere else.  In other gay bars, you get to cop a feel for the price of a dollar!

Krystal Summers struts on by.  What happened to my face?

I really did want to see Krystal perform since she stars in Ticked Off Trannies With Knives.  This was the centerpiece film which sadly, I had to miss.  Director Israel Luna, and the entire cast were slated to attend, as well as several protesters.  The whole protest thing started when GLAAD called for Tribeca Film Festival to pull the film because it paints all trannies as bloodthirsty killers?  Now I volunteer for GLAAD sometimes, but don't you think people like to pick a fight where there is none?  Since when did one movie speak for an entire class of people?  And have they even seen the film?

The Q Cinema organizers offered free tickets to the protesters, who declined.  How can you picket a film you haven't even seen?  It reminds me of the tea party people who aren't quite sure why exactly they're angry, but they're mad as hell!  And all white!  I'm told the protesters at TOTWK were all ugly, and maybe that's it.  They're envious of the pretty girls?  Kind of like the gays who get up in arms about seeing flaming queers or six-packed gay abs on screen.  It's not accurate representation.  Save your accurate representation for a documentary.  In the meantime, I want to write the spin-off: "Fed-up faggots with a hammer"!

We hear all the time about trannies being beaten and killed.  Why can't they get revenge on celluloid?  Sometimes I hit up a Tranny Night here in NY ("Every night that begins with a "T"!) and last time I met this drop dead gorgeous girl named Holly.  I don't even think I'd be able to spook her if she weren't at Tranny night in a bikini made of candy necklaces...

Holly was telling me about the day recently where she was walking down the street and an SUV full of macho men stops.  They get out of the car whistling and cat-calling her: "Girl, you just made my day!" "You're the woman of my dreams," things of that nature.  Out of the blue, a cracked-addled homeless dude wanders over from across the street and yells, "She's a MAN!"

The guys in the car tell the crack-head, "Don't you know the difference between a man and a woman??" and the crack-head is like, "Yeah I do, and that's a MAN!" To which Holly says she shot him icicles out of her eyeballs.

Holly laughs when she talks about being spooked by a crackhead.  It's fascinating, the layers of understanding in such a scenario, but imagine if these men weren't thoroughly convinced by her how quickly (knowing the thin line between machismo and rage) this may have turned to serious danger.  Imagine the strength it takes to live every day like that.

Back in Fort Worth, the TOTWK screening was a sold out success.  My friend Rob texted there were tons of hot boys and trannies, and... "I'm sitting beside a drag queen who smells like Salsbury Steak."  Hey, I think I know her!

Steak reminds me of Sizzler.  Remember Sizzler?  Remember that freak who was arrested after being caught spraying fecal matter onto the Sizzler salad bar?  That story kills me.  People can be so shitty. What twisted mind comes up with that idea, and why does it give me the giggles? I should be protested.

I got home to find Bam on the couch, a bottle of wine in hand and a giant crown on his head.  For a second, I thought he was a Shriner.  Even stranger, the first thing out of his mouth to me was "Jesse, you've GOT to write a musical about Josephine Bonaparte!" WTF?


Anonymous said...

Marilyn Monroe had a stutter. Can't exactly call that being unprofessional... Good for her for being a successful actress despite her speech impediment!

willam said...

i live! krystal's side boob be as cute as your write up