Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hey Spitter: Stop, Bop, and Swallow!

Remember I told you I judged spokesmodels for a product you ingest to make your SEXUAL FLUIDS taste better?  Where beautiful girls made exclamations like, "I'm a reformed spitter!"?  It is now on the market!  "Bop" just lives, breathes, and smells *on the brink* which is why I have to check out the website Bop.com for the testimonials alone!  Only in America, kids.  Only in America.

There's BOP for HIM --guaranteeing more head (70% of women would give more oral sex if their partner's ejaculate tasted better!) and Bop for Her which promises men will spend more time tending to that lovely lady garden (86% of men would perform oral sex more often and with greater enthusiasm if their partner's vaginal secretions smelled and tasted better!) I also hear that 74 % of statistics are made up, but I digress.

The best part of being a part of the panel (you can see this all on the site) was asking girls things like, "Have you ever tasted sperm?" and getting responses like, "It tastes like a wet penny."  Who wouldn't want to sweeten up their spunk?  There are just so many ways to go in marketing this supplement.  Whichever avenue they choose, Cyndi Lauper's "She-Bop" must be immediately licensed.

I was sent a bottle of Bop!  The pills are a silky orange and they smell so good I actually just want to eat them.  So does it work?  I'd tell you, but each time I pop a Bop I forget to ejaculate!  You're supposed to take them "2 hours before intimacy".  Can someone set an alarm?  Two hours later I have so moved on!  Which, attention married couples, would make for amazing get-out-of-sex-free cards.  I can't right now, I forgot to take my bop!  OR, Honey I'm not in the mood for your wet pennies---take a bop and call me in two hours.

Alternatively, it could work to prolong sex.  Cooldan was doing it with a guy who kept saying, "Don't touch me or I'll come!" Is that a threat?  Cooldan rightfully replied, "You're missing the whole point!" Now if his sex partner had said, "Don't touch me, I don't want to come until my bop kicks in", it may have been a different whole point entirely.  Bop or not, you'd probably yell that if you were with him:

Who cares what his sperm tastes like?  Cooldan surely wouldn't!  This hottie (more male nudity, you're very welcome!) we shot for Playgirl in Las Vegas a couple years back.  I think his name starts with a K.  He kept talking about how he likes to go hiking to hot springs in the desert.  For evident reasons, I wasn't really concentrating.

Yes Cooldan is back from Lebanon! He says that Hezbollah is doing well, but they could use your financial support on jihadfundingforyou.com.  Kidding!  He's back just in time for Pride (the Mary Mourners are about to step out!) and we've been working furiously on fitting into our outfits.  Cooldan and I have not eaten since the Tony's.  Or had a sip of alcohol.  Seriously.  It's been 9 days! 

Briefly, what were the Tony's?  Oscar's junior?  I get it that Hollywood stars put the butts in seats and are responsible for the $170 marquee price but first off everyone in Hollywood (and now the theatre community) knows that Denzel Washington is a grade A asshole. I have stories, but I don't need to tell them--all you have to do is watch his Tony award speech!  And Catherine Zeta-Jones?  Can someone tell me what she was doing wearing all that stage makeup for television?  I was also baffled by what she was doing with her head.  She was singing about clowns, not bobbleheads.  

The Tony's should be about theatre people who can still do Hollywood.  Thank heavens for Angela Lansbury!  So anyway, Dan and I aren't eating or drinking because we're on the Master Cleanse, which Beyonce (more theatre losing to Hollywood) did before Dreamgirls.  All you can have is this mix of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.  I'm the first to admit it's dumb and probably is terrible for you, but hey I needed a detox, dammit. Plus I'm an extremist who will do anything to make BOP sprint faster through my system!

It's fun to play with discipline sometimes.  And practice saying no.  Nine days without food doesn't feel so bad, but you do notice how often people eat, especially on TV.  And how often friends try to break your resolve.  The first three days are torture.  These days I smell food cart smoke and call it a meal. Tomorrow we finish and will try to restrain ourselves from breaking fast at the Chinese allyoucaneat.

1 comment:

carmel said...

you should do a colonic as well, apparently they go hand in hand with fasting. well, maybe not hand in hand....