Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Grandmas Gone Wild

Sunday, I called my mother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day (I recently had a laugh watching an episode of Mad Men where Midge, played by Rosemary DeWitt, is a greeting card writer working over-time in 1960 because "They invented this thing called Mothers Day").

Did you call your mother?  When I spoke to mine, she said she didn't really feel like a mother anymore, and mothers day doesn't really mean too much because all her kids are grown up.  To which I replied, "Lady, you were still over at your mother's for Mothers Day when she didn't know who you were..."

And my mom said, "And when she did know who I was, she thought I was sleeping with dozens of men." Now my mother has only been with one man in her life, my father, so needless to say it was disconcerting that her own mother--my grandmother--would come up with such wild accusations.

My mother went on, "She thought I was sleeping with all these men, but she never judged me for it. She just kind of rolled her eyes."  As in, that's my daughter...the whore

Ah, unconditional love.  From the orbit of Venus!  How is it that old people can be so demented AND salacious? Why is it that we LOVE old people to be salacious?

We threw a "Betty on the Bay" party out on Fire Island to watch Betty White host SNL with a bunch of friends.  We even served "Golden Cougar" cocktails---don't ask the recipe, it had something to do with Snapple and Rum (hey, it's an island--you use what's around, like Maryanne and her blasted coconut cream pies).  In each skit Betty White played some version of sexually inappropriate, which naturally reminded me of my grandma when she lost her marbles.

Remember the scene where Betty's grandson leans in to make out with her?  I related because my grandma at one point called me up to propose marriage! "I hope the age difference doesn't bother you," she cooed.

"Oh, we'd make all the papers grandma!" I told her and it was truly sweet because she thought I was a gentleman caller!  When I visited Oregon I'd spend my afternoons with her, watching old movies like "Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing".  She was only 83, to Betty White's 88, but at 83 my grandma Gloria was really only about 4, and aging backwards.

I know this because I recently babysat a 4 year old and we went to the movies (big mistake and not just the movie---a vomitrocious Miley Cyrus vehicle).   Sitting through a Miley Cyrus movie I wished I were 4 because then I would have (mercifully) no idea what was going on.  Kind of like my grandma.  Grandma never really could follow along or understood how the plot went from a to b, until the theme song came on and she'd hum sweetly Love is a many-splendored thing...Or if there were a steamy embrace between Jennifer Jones and William Holden she'd perk up and say, "I remember this part...."

I'll bet!  That's funny.  It's a galaxy away from the mornings where Grandma would return from Venus as herself and fully aware.  When this happened she'd start to cry and then ask me pointedly: Why am I still here?  And there's no humor to mine in that. 

A slutty Betty White makes you laugh because sex is young and virile and alive.  Salacious old people are as hormonal and hopeful as teenage Miley Cyrus.  Propose marriage to me anyday, but please don't ever ask me why you're still here.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jesse-hope you've realised that the important point is that YOU were THERE!There to answer her phone calls,watch the TV and, most importnatly,to hear the unanswerable question:"Why am I here"-you were there, like a very good grandson, and that's sometimes all you can do.