Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Sherry it Shall Be

Bam and I went to spinning class today.  I have never sweated so much in my life!  Either I'm out of shape or cycling is more strenuous than four marathons put together.  At points, I was cycling faster than I ever thought my legs could go.  So fast I feared I wouldn't ever be able to slow down.   It was all out of control, kind of like sometimes when I'm skiing and I get going so fast I just hope to heaven I'll survive.  This feeling must be a lot like addiction. 

Which leads us to drinking!  Just after spinning class (which somehow gave us permission) Bam and I began drinking and once drunk, he predictably starts asking the bar for a "Sherry".  Also predictably, they never have Sherry on the shelf and he gets belligerent: "If this were a legitimate establishment..."

So, after a visit to our local country-western dive bar Doc Hollidays (obviously bereft of sherry), he came home inspired to pen the following letter.  And here is a once-in-a-lifetime glimpse into the psyche of my boyfriend:

                                                                                                                                         April 18, 2010
Dear Sir,

I am writing to file a complaint. Iʼm a regular customer of Doc Hollidayʼs, but unfortunately Iʼm always completely aghast at your limited selection of liquor. 

When I frequent your establishment, I tend to order a sherry. A sherry is a very nice drink and easily found in the more civilized parts of the globe. I find that a sherry is not only good for the heart, but a wonderful way to enjoy an early Sunday afternoon, from say 9.00am. 

Unfortunately, if I am to rely on your stock, I would be sadly thirsty.  I would expect that an establishment of your calibre would stock sherry. I donʼt mind if the sherry is dry or sweet, as long as the blasted substance is available. I would be happy to invest in this liquor myself and keep it resident behind your bar, for my own consumption, if you find that it is a chore to procure. Whatever the circumstances for its absence, my bewilderment cannot be lessened. In any event, I fully expect you to attend to this most egregious oversight.

Thank you for your cooperation in this serious matter. If you require any further direction, please feel free to forward all correspondence to the above address.

Yours in thirst,

Michael Bamford


Freddue said...

Jesse How U Doin my Sexy Friend??? Tell Bam that I LUV IT and am glad that he is speaking his mind, I am sitting here trying 2 figure out a way 2 send him a bottle of Sherry, (and U know me I will figure it out)!!! Big Hugs 2 both of U. xoxo


andrew said...

Tell Bam that Madeira is better, with reference to Flanders and Swann.

Tony said...

Hey Jesse -

Always figured Bam for a man of refined tastes.
But I just read the reviews and comments about Doc Holliday's. I'd guess that management there is afraid to sully its rep as a shots and beer dive by putting sherry on the shelf. Imagine if word got around: blue-haired ladies might start showing up at tea-time wanting their sweet cream sherry served on a doily. Then they'd have to clean up the restrooms and play Lawrence Welk on the juke box. Horrors!
But they still could keep a bottle under the counter and give Bam his Amontillado in a shot glass. How would all those drunks know (or care) if they did?

Auntie M said...

Drunk drinking? Drinking Under the Influence? Isn't that illegal in 15 states or fattening or something? It must cause a headache the next day at least.

Sean said...

Now I want Bam Bam to write a blog!

Audrey said...

Gordon and I are howling at the "...sunday afternoon, say sometime after 9 am..."