Thursday, April 29, 2010

La vie Archerienne!

When Bam discovered my plans to go to TRANNY NIGHT ("Every night that starts with a T!") at Secret Lounge tonight, he shook his head in dismay.  "Jess, you've gone out partying til dawn this whole week!" to which I responded, innocently enough, "What you're saying is I should take a nap before going out tonight?"

My French friend Arnaud is visiting the big apple and we've hit the town hard.   After our first night of adventure, he typed up a facebook status update at 4 am that read: "Je rentre d'une soire archerienne..." Translation? "I've returned from an Archer-y night."  He made up an adjective for me!  Je suis arrivé!

Of course Cooldan (from Lebanon) couldn't resist responding to that update with, "Au moin tu es rentré" or "At least you returned."  And he should know...anyway, last night I lost Arnaud at Barracuda, but this morning I discovered a voicemail message from him to the tune of, "I met a new Israeli friend and we have no place it.  Can we come over?"

I am so proud.  I truly and dearly WANT to be the person you call when you desperately need a couch to bone the stranger you just met!

So sorry I missed that call.  I followed up today and found out that resourceful Arnaud ended up taking the Israeli to Tomkins Square Park and hopping the fence to fornicate!!  Une soire Archerienne, indeed. I hope they did it beneath the Temperance Fountain!!

Strangely enough, last night began with a Marriage Equality gala!  If you'll only grant us marriage, we will stop illicitly humping in the bushes.  (That is a joke, people!!)  I will always advocate the fact that behavior should have no bearing on whether or not one deserves equality under the law.  You can be a mass murderer, but if you're straight you can still marry.  Keep that in mind, persnickety gays, the next time you want to censure all the rest of us so we can "earn" equality.

I was lucky enough to be invited to MENY's 12th annual gala....which was a roaring success and hosted by darling diva Marti Cummings and featured many a gaylebrity including Lea Delaria, honoree B.D. Wong, Malan Breton, Leslie Jordan, Village People cowboy Randy Jones, Reichen L (note to self: never do red carpet with Reichen again.  DUMB!!  Boy is way too beautiful) and many many more!

Speaking of beautiful, I was horsing around with the ageless Randy Jones and ripped the crotch of my pants.  Blew it right out!  Total wardrobe malfunction, which Randy tends to inspire. It's all popping up on Wire Image now.  My legs are pegged together for a reason!
The worst thing about the red carpet is that you do it before...the open bar.  Here I am while my pants were still stiched together.
 Lea Delaria and fashion man Malan Breton
Broadway hotties Marty Thomas and B.D. Wong 
The cast of the off-Broadway hit When Joey Married Bobby made it.  Well, all except for legendary Lady Bunny, who is now replaced in the cast by my pal Lady Clover Honey.  (She puts the Lady in there so you don't get her confused with the natural sweetener!)  Tina McKissick showed up to the MENY gala in a Scarlett O'Hara rainbow flag hoop dress.  Great balls of FIRE!

Here we are with doll-face actor Marti Cummings and the professional baseball pitcher (ahem) turned actor Matthew Pender.  He is a genuine fag stag!  Who knew he was straight?  When he was being interviewed by I stumbled over and ripped his shirt right up to expose him and...he didn't even flinch.  Everyone thanked me, and so will the video!

The fabulous gals are fruit flies Christin and Patty who have started an important new website bringing together straight friendss for marriage equality, "Proud Ally".  You go, girls!

Having my underwear fully exposed (it matched my shirt, naturally) gave me another great reason to follow the fag stag AND the indefatigable Mr. Jones to Will Clark's Porno Bingo at Pieces, where he sang his hit YMCA.  Let's just say the split crotch (it's vintage YSL!  Eek!) grew exponentially.  It's due to my inventive choreography for the letter "M".  I swear!


Calen said...

I absolutely love you. This was hilarious to read. Thank you.

Jesse Archer said...

Thanks, Calen!! :)
I actually forgot a story about Randy and Violet Tendencies....I gotta update this post!!

Thanks for your support.