Sunday, March 07, 2010


It's hard to give massage. Massage makes you get hard! But can you imagine being a masseur? My friend Paul is certified and just stopped entirely because he can't deal with all the kinks. My friend Martin in San Francisco, on the other hand, still puts up with them!

So much for doctor-patient privacy, this story is too good not to share.  Love it!  Makes me glad I'm just gay.  It also makes me think cerebrospinal fluid is hot.  And I now wonder what will happen if I make it to my 50's?!  Martin sent this tale to me via email, and said I could share.  He's such a good writer I'll just let him tell you in his words:

A guy named Mike called to arrange a massage yesterday and asked casually if it would be okay if he wore woman's panties. I have a fairly accommodating nature and besides, due to the economy, things have been really slow. Mike proceeded to quiz me on my taste in women's panties. It has been quite a few years since I've been had any direct experience with women's panties.

I explained I was just a humble massage therapist. I suggested he might be better served going to one of the many professionals here in San Francisco who specialize in scenes like this and have a shared passion for ladies undergarments. "Oh no, I wouldn't want to go to a jaded escort!" Mike ejaculated. BTW- There was a time when that term was used freely in children's books. "Look Jane look. The dog has run into the house!" Dick ejaculated." It does not take much to excite Dick.

Mike showed up right on time with a camouflage duffle bag of panties. A military man, perhaps? You know how sometimes someone is so clearly thrilled to death about something, you decide to indulge them? This dude was vibrating with excitement. He wanted to put on a whole fashion show. After about ten minutes of watching a sixty-two year old man jump in and out of woman's underwear asking me, "Do these make me look hot?" It took every bit of self control I possess not to say, "No, they make you look fat."

At this point I'm looking at the clock thinking OK, it's time to take charge. Let's get through the Fall Collection and down to business. "All right panty boy, put on this pair and get on the table!" I said like a drill sergeant, choosing a black frilly tutu thong number. "Yes sir, right away sir! I like it when you call me panty boy!" Uh oh, the magic words that pushed me down the slippery slope of participating in this fantasy: panty boy.

On the massage table face down Mike is writhing around and repeating, "Yeah, I'm your panty boy. Please snap my panties Sir!" My room mate John was in the kitchen next to the massage room, I'm sure overhearing this impassioned request while trying to eat his oatmeal.  I firmly remind Mike that I am a massage therapist and not an escort. "Yes Sir, I've been a BAAAD panty boy and you should spank my pantied ass!"

There exists in the in the massage therapists arsenal of secret ninja moves, something called the "Still Point Induction". It literally stops the pulse of cerebrospinal fluid flowing from the base of the spine to the skull for a few moments. This has a profoundly relaxing effect. I normally employ it on relentlessly chatty clients. I used it on Mike. It stopped him mid sentence. He fell completely silent for ten minutes and said, "Wow, this is a really good massage. I wasn't expecting this." It occurred to me, doing this to masseurs throughout the Bay Area was also part of his thing. It was probably the first time he actually got a massage. After he left I had deep feeling of gratitude that I don't have to spend a lot of time, energy and money cajoling people into participating in my kinks.

However, what disturbs me is something that Mike said, "I didn't develop this fetish until I was in my fifties." Great, at that moment some interior switch will flip and all of a sudden I'm seized with an irresistible desire to slather myself in Thousand Island dressing and roll around with hamsters I've shaved by hand... I don't think I'll completely shave them though. I'll leave a fringe of fur around their heads to make them look like little lions. Yeah, that's it... hot! I'm off to the pet shop.

Your pal,

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