Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Beyonce's Master-Cleanse

Can you believe it's going on 9 days since I've eaten??  This is ridiculous.  Cooldan and I decided to do this whacky fast---it's what Beyonce did before Dreamgirls--which is a mixture of squeezed lemon juice and organic maple syrup and (honey, I am not buying bottled, it's from the tap!) water.  With a dash of cayenne pepper.  That's all we've had for the past 9 days.

The first three days are brutal.  After day three, it's really a breeze.  The only thing is I can't sleep, because I think my brain is probably freaking out.  Let it!  So the only solid thing I've ingested are sleeping pills.  Otherwise, I'm still able to go to the gym and buzz about, but I admit the sparkle is a mite diminished, prompting Bam to label the cleanse: "Less of Jess!" all the while he relishes torturing me by eating big fat burritos right in front of my nose.

When we went to the movies last weekend (saw two incredible films with a lot to say about the human condition, yet in two strikingly different ways: Up in the Air and A Single Man, both highly recommended!).  Bam taunted me with a big tub of movie popcorn which was absolute agony, and today I found myself standing beside a food cart just...smelling the scented air of cooked meat.  Yet I wouldn't even say I'm hungry anymore.  Food was something from a former lifetime.  Funny how adaptable human beings are.  That's the one thing we can definitely all agree with regard to humans, right?  So adaptable.

I'm not even exactly sure why we're fasting.  It's not like I'm beyonce and need to trim those big hips for Dreamgirls!  I'm not doing any nude photo shoots this week or anything.  It's not beach season.  I don't even think I need to lose weight.  "Is it because we want to look like the aliens in Avatar?" I ask Dan.

He reminds me we're on a De-Tox, taring the excessive holiday indulgence.  I have to admit there is that.  I'm also saving a ton of money!  There is the challenge aspect, too; I love a test of wills.  Okay, and I wouldn't mind looking just a little more like that Avatar.

It's incredible how much food regulates the day.  At night, there's no dinner.  More time and boredom sets in.  Bam has gotten so bored of eating alone that he's joined us!  If you can't beat 'em!  He's now doing the cleanse, but his own "modified cleanse" which includes coffee and beer.  We will break-fast on Thursday, and I'm really not supposed to stuff my face out at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet right after not eating for ten days, but we may do that anyway.

Today, as Dan and I measure out yet another dosage of the liquid concoction that has sustained us thus far, it is with both pity and humor that I watch Dan squeeze lemons into juice and ravenously eating the pulp inside of the rind as if it were the last scrap of food on earth.  I quiz him on whether he's been cheating on the cleanse because he's always been big on cheating.  We're both really weak, and he can't take my grilling. "Fine, I had a carrot on Thursday," he says. "Are you mad at me?"

I'm very disappointed I tell him, before adding, "I had a slice of tomato the other day."

This gets me thinking how hysterical it would be if I weren't on this cleanse at all?  If I was pretending to go along with Dan, drinking this nasty maple syrup lemon liquid and complaining about starvation, but behind his back I'm greedily pigging out on Pizza Hut, Benny's Burritos and Taco Bell gorditas.  The idea of that just kills me.


S said...

Remember what happened to Oprah after she got off her infamous diet in the 80s? Exactly.

Now, pick up that damn burrito.

Calen said...

Did it work? How much weight did you lose?