Year in Review

I can't wait for this year to end! Tomorrow night! In the meantime, have you seen this? I have to share such an amazing video--the graphics, the lyrics---this took some time and talent!

Did Jib Jab forget the Somali Pirates? And what the hell is Jib Jab? I also hear a lot about Jon and Kate but I am such a pop culture zero that I honestly don't know who they are or why they're famous. And let's keep it that way!

The only thing that tops Jib Jab's year in review, is the ever-luminous (and illuminating) Michael Musto with his year (and decade) review in this week's Village Voice. Will you read it? He's betting you won't! That's the aughts for you, baby.

Here's wishing you all a Happy 2010! Sure, we once wished for a happy 2009, but now let's really make it happen! Are we all on board? May 2010 sparkle with laughs, love, and employment for all!

Now that's shocking!

Because that's what one does during the holidaze, Cooldan recently found himself cruising for sex on Manhunt. He came across a posting he particularly liked. It read:

Endless wars, torture, healthcare for profit? Way to go, America...

Classically attractive, well built men are a turn on, and it's a good start. A mental/intellectual connection is just as, if not more important. Prefer to meet people while out dancing, but a lot of the music in clubs these days is like kryptonite. Seeking cute, in shape. Race unimportant. Socially/politically aware a huge +. Republicans need not apply. Can barely stand Democrats as it is. The only thing more tiresome (and offensive) than hiv-negative guys(as well as some who aren't sure) calling themselves "clean" and "sane" (suggesting that poz boys are "dirty" and "insane") is that some poz boys are buying into it. Peace

Cooldan wrote to this user commending his posting: "Your profile post should be read aloud at capitol hill! It's a shame that more people don't spend more time reading profiles, instead of only caring about pec and penis size."

Me: "So what did he write back?"

Cooldan: "Come over."

Merry Christmas

Sending out lots of love out this holiday to my friends and family. Merry Christmas! You are and will always be my greatest gift!

Bienvenidos a Mexico!

Although it's not really Mexico! More like Daytona Beach with bars galore, populated by hoochie mama hostesses, men on the street calling out "Chicas!" "Coca!" and signs everywhere: "Women Drink Free Monday through Friday!" or this helpful Mexican mathematics: "Woman + Dance on Bar = Free shot of Tequila!"

Cancun/Playa del Carmen is built for American spring breaking breeders. It's always staggering for me to see how the other 90% lives. I mean, I tolerate them. But why do they have to shove their lifestyle in my face? ;)

Here are the tacos, known locally as "plugs of beast with flour"

If the plugs give you Montezuma's revenge, direct yourself to the incontinence aisle.
Hobo a Go-Go! How about a towering pyramid of Boones Farm wine?

An hour south in Tulum, was a little better and I'd definitely return there.

Check out the beach!

Practicing "Gisele" pose 264. "Gisele a la playa"

Tulum has a prepossessing pile of rocks as well.

Grandpa's blueblocker sunglasses are coming in handy!

Our beach! We were not alone....

Reptile friends caught a whiff of our picante potato chips.

We left Bam Bam drinking on the beach while we hit the waves. When we came back, he was feeding three iguanas with some surfer boy tourists. "You scared them away!" he says to me. But they were still there. "Not the iguanas---you scared off the straights!" Bam was luring the boys in with chips for the iguanas. One for the boys, one for the iguanas. "They were eating right out of my hands!"

10 Toys that made you gay

I always did lust after that pogo-ball. And I still know all the words to the "My Buddy" jingle. Telling, very telling.

Food Fright!

Don't you just love it when they translate foreign menus into English? How about some FLESH SCALLOPS? An order of Giant Cram? In Mexico with Chad, Scott, and Bam we found this menu so appetizing, we are considering opening a restaurant with only these confounding descriptions on the menu. What would we call it? Lost in Translation...or maybe LOTS in Translation?

It's always tough to choose between Filet of Beast to the Mexican, and Filet of Beast to the Plate

Why order a breaded chicken breast, when you can have Breast of Chicken Crunch???

Here are the tacos.

Tacos are so much more appetizing in the English version: "Plugs of Beast with Flour"!!!

This is what happens when you translate straight from the dictionary. Check out more fun menu flaps on this site. And more here too! Favorites from other parts of the world include:

Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady.
From a menu in India

Boys style little chickens
From a menu in Barcelona

Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes.
From a menu in Japan

Dubbing Wendy Williams and Friends

Been a while! You know I write copy all about the steamy hot models on Paragon Men, right? My friend Greg began this site just a few months ago and it already features some of the sexiest images found anywhere online. Check out the site, and this month vote for Paragon Man of the year!

I'm also back in OUT magazine this month, so check my column on that blunder (six feet blunder?) I had on my grandfather's grave this past summer. Violet Tendencies is due out next year (springtime?), and we've got some great advance press from all the way down in Argentina! The last piece of press we got was from Brazil, and now Argentina. South America loves their Violet! If you read Spanish, or want to try, check out the article from Pagina 12 here. Big thanks to my friend Alejandro for writing it.

In other news, I just came across this review of A Four Letter Word (buy it for Christmas!) from the Portland Mercury (my hometown!). I'm not sure when it was written, or who said Stephen was well-endowed? But the writer is hysterical:

Luke (Jesse Archer) is a promiscuous, glitter-wearing “gay cliché” who considers giving up his man-whoring ways when he meets butch, well-endowed Stephen (Charlie David). Fucking, crossdressing, and shittalking ensue. Paradoxically both awful and thoroughly entertaining, A Four Letter Word features terrible acting, relentless one-liners, a bizarre fascination with addiction recovery meetings (is that a gay thing?), and an ending that is simultaneously incredibly predictable and unexpectedly touching. It’s ridiculous. It’s trashy. I totally recommend it.

By Alison Hallett

I'm still having fun with that entertainment/news/neo-vaudeville show for GayLifeNYC.org. Hit up the site for the latest episodes and oh-so-much-more. Recently, we went to GMHC's Fashion Forward event which is basically the fashion world coming together to fight AIDS. I was on the red carpet interviewing a whole lot of different people: Wendy Williams, Tim Gunn, designer Jack Mackenroth, model Ronnie Kroell, and it turns out that the audio wasn't working! Like at all.

We decided to improvise and dub all the voices so that I was...playing all the parts. Ha! Here's what we came up with. Maybe the audio should go out every time?

Ain't that Precious?

Is it just me, or do you see an obese black girl and think There goes Precious! I haven't even seen the movie myself, but I never realized how many obese black women there actually are in the city before Precious came out. They are everywhere. We are all Precious!

You know if we're thinking it, others are saying it. As if it wasn't hard enough to be an obese black girl before this movie came out! I think of the playground these days and just shiver.

The other night I went to the local leather bar, the EAGLE, with some friends and one of these friends is LINA. She leaves her purse for me to watch at the bar while she goes up to talk with the DJ and it's a big purse, with some bling and a zebra print. So this guy comes up to the bar and says, "That your purse?" I say no, it's my girlfriend's and he says, "Good, so I won't have to take you out back and shoot you."

I'm not even PC, but some jokes are never funny, not even from gay lips at the gay bar. I told him it actually was my purse and to $*#@& the *@*&!@* off!

Bam's recruiter invited us over for a dinner party this weekend. Katy is a really amazing cook and as I kept saying, "I'm a vegetarian!" as I ate her pulled pork and sausage. Am I supposed to starve when I'm hungry and there's nothing vegetarian? I'm one of those hypocritical fairweathered Flexitarians, or so I'm told.

Also at the party was Katy's sister Mim who is a licensed acupuncturist. I tell her I've got neck troubles and maybe she could help. "I've got my needles upstairs," she tells me and when I say, "Let's do it!" She tells me "Absolutely....after a few more drinks!" You've got to love that.

Cut to a few drinks later: I'm laying on the bed upstairs and party guests wander in to watch as Mim needles my hands feet and neck with a skill aided by Chardonnay. My neck felt great and I slept like a baby that night (once home, of course). In fact, Mim's touch was such an exotic party favor that Bam and I've decided we'll have to throw a party early next year in which Mim appears as the mainline attraction: an ACUparty! With Drunkupuncture!

Jesse's Vein VS. Phlebotomist

Bam's newphew and his girlfriend have been staying with us while visiting NYC. It's always fun to see the city through the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time. It makes you remember your first time, even though sometimes you doubt there ever WAS a first time, but then you do remember it. How incredible it was, and you realize it is amazing to be able to survive live here!

It's also fun to hear about the family down in Sydney. I love Bam's folks and sisters, especially his sister in law, because I think we have a lot in common. I hope to make it down for the holidays to see everyone and of course it never hurts to flip 35 degrees Farenheit for 35 Celcius. Santa-like!

I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! Mine was punctuated with a big nasty bout of the flu. I don't think it was the swine flu because I feel skinny. Bam Bam and Theraflu, I would have died without you two. Thank you! Finally on the mend, I made it to the clinic this morning. They insisted on taking blood, which was a bit of a battle. Usually they don't even need the rubber thingy to wrap around my upper arm because my veins are there all juicy and ready, and Phlebotomists always love that. But this one-- she misses! She stabs me and is like, oops! Oops? I have no idea how she did that. It's like putting a pistol to your brain and shooting your thigh.

I really can't stand blood, not even the idea of blood. Basically, I know there are organs and slithery spleens and blood and all that gunk going on inside of my body but I choose to ignore all of that because I'm very self-loathing when it comes to my insides. Despite this, I still insist on watching the pricking and I'm shocked. "Oh my god you missed!" The needle is dangling out of my arm and she's like, "Look away!" So I look away and she keeps saying, "Stop moving, stop moving!" and I say very emphatically, "I'm NOT moving!" and she says: "I'm talking to the vein!"

She's talking to my vein! The image of my big juicy green vein wiggling away from a needle that's fishing for it in a sea of blood...is really too much. "Take it out and stab again!" I tell her. "That's what I'm trying to avoid!" Why is she trying to avoid that? "Try it again!" She can't possibly miss twice. "I'm gonna get this one!" "I'm going to faint!" "No you're not!" "Pull it out!!" "I've GOT it!" she cries victorious.

Was it good for you, too?