Saturday, April 25, 2009

Stabbed in the Back

I've been betrayed by a person who I thought was a friend. It makes me (and Bam) physically ill to think about what happened and yet all I can do is think about it: questioning why? Does he think I'm a bad person/friend? When did his feelings for me turn from warmth to animosity? Why couldn't this person talk about the situation face to face with me? Can you believe I only found out because he used an unwitting BAM BAM to help throw me under the bus?!

I haven't felt this way since my parents told me they were canceling my tuition check to college because I was gay. Since that friends became my family. The ones I could trust. Betrayal is one of the hardest things to cope with because now I'm suddenly paranoid. Who are my real friends? It appears I cannot use the term lightly.

Someone (on Facebook of all places) wrote a very kind message telling me to wish this person well and release him back into the universe and that someone else will come to fill his place. So that's what I'm doing. The revenge I was scheming in the form of reciprocal betrayal, isn't going to happen. My revenge will be to take away my friendship. It's the most important thing anyone has to give.

I hope whatever he gained was worth it.


Jeffrey said...

You have it correct -- the highest price to pay is to have love and trust removed. No reason to believe that others share the same character flaw as the one who betrayed. So let the one go -- karma does reward and punish.

Rob said...

I know it's a cliche', but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You're a strong person Jesse :)

Don said...

You really do have it right now. Trust is, to me, the most important factor in any form of relationship. Without trust you have nothing. The loss of your trust and friendship is the price this supposed friend will pay. And, in time, the same thing will happen to him. Be true to yourself and please do not give up your ability to trust others - there are people out there who can be friends and be trusted. Do hot allow this idiot to make you paranoid. Real friends can not be taken lightly but when they are real friends they do not have to be doubted at all. You do have real friends - and we all face betrayal at some point. The hard part is to keep the faith. Who can ever know what makes a friend turn against us - but the lost of our friendship and mostly our trust is the price they must pay.

Don said...

Jesse, last thought. In the end he has gained nothing for others will know he is not deserving of their trust as well. As stated, someone better will fill his place as your friend and you will be better off - if you can just let go and move on.

Stay a trusting soul - it really is the only way to go.

Anonymous said...

So true. Most people dont really value friends anymore cuz they think they will always make another.

Anonymous said...


i had the same thing. Someone that i was friends with and always treated fine put LSD in my drink without me knowing it. i had a terribly bad tip cause i had no clue what was going on and after that a really hard time accepting that he did that to me. After a while I found out he had borderline personality and did crazy things more often. Try to not let it ruin your faith in people
Good Luck,

Barrie said...

That really sucks. Why do people do this? It has happened to me twice and I still do not understand. Each time it was the same as your experience; a small misunderstanding or a perceived slight and instead of talking to me about it, out come the daggers. I would never treat someone that I supposedly cared about this way. However, I think the word supposedly is the key; I have since come to think that these people never cared for me, only what I could do for them.

Still, the Facebook friends' advice is sound. I still see these rat bastards from time to time and they smile, say hello, and act as if nothing ever happened which galls the hell out of me but at least I can hold my head up by knowing that I took the high road. Besides, even though I am not religious, I do believe in Karma, and she is a bitch. I have seen her take her slow, sweet revenge many times.

There are many people out here (including me) who wish you well and many of us (including me) who—like you—have had to make their own families. That, I think, is what makes this kind of betrayal sting even more. Still, you take the high road, Jesse. You will be the better for it.


Anonymous said...


It never fails to shock me how terrible people can be. I have been stabbed in the back more times than I care to remember. My once so-called best friend rejected me, for no apparent reason, some years ago. We were friends since the 1970s and I was in his wedding party. My feeling is that I did not lose a friend, since a friend would never abandon me like he did. My advise is to forget him. Remember living well is the best revenge. If you agonize over this incident, it will only feed his ego and prolong the damage. If you never give him another thought, you will have inflicted on him the highest form of insult - not being taken seriously.
I never knew about your parents cutting off your financial support after you came out to them, how horrible! Perhaps you should write a book/screenplay about your personal journey. It would be a serious work that would be instructive to many people and and be cathartic to you.

xo Your Friend Jimmy

Anonymous said...

the opposite of friendship and caring is not hatred and revenge - in fact, it is not caring. do not waste a single moment thinking about this person . . . cut them forever from your thoughts.

ignoring the existence of another human is the greatest punishment possible.

warm hugs for jesse/bam -


Tony said...

Hey Jesse -

Who knows what that A--H--- was thinking. Sounds like he's one of those totally self-absorbed people who consider only their own twisted feelings. So you're right to just let it go, and keep believing in friendship. Plus, we've got your back, my friend.

Vincenzo said...

Jesse, welcome to the club....last week the person that I have always considered my best friend and always treated like a brother, told me basically that he didn't want to have that kind of friendship anymore and that he basically now has new friends and he is happy, remarking that for him friends come IN and OUT. I wanted to remind him what I did for him in the past years, starting from the month and a half where he was home with a broken leg and I was doing everything for him.....but at that point it was wothless.....I also believe in KARMA...the problem is that now I feel hurt and he left an empty space in my life that make me missing him, but I can't do anything at this point than moving on....

Anonymous said...

you know how many people love you- me included!!!!!!! we are family

this year, anita bailout

Anonymous said...

dear Jesse,
Big of you column...I had similar happen to me. He cost me my job, over something as simple as not paying for a service. Be angry for a bit, then just let it go. They will get theirs, trust me.