Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Year in Review

I can't wait for this year to end! Tomorrow night! In the meantime, have you seen this? I have to share such an amazing video--the graphics, the lyrics---this took some time and talent!

Did Jib Jab forget the Somali Pirates? And what the hell is Jib Jab? I also hear a lot about Jon and Kate but I am such a pop culture zero that I honestly don't know who they are or why they're famous. And let's keep it that way!

The only thing that tops Jib Jab's year in review, is the ever-luminous (and illuminating) Michael Musto with his year (and decade) review in this week's Village Voice. Will you read it? He's betting you won't! That's the aughts for you, baby.

Here's wishing you all a Happy 2010! Sure, we once wished for a happy 2009, but now let's really make it happen! Are we all on board? May 2010 sparkle with laughs, love, and employment for all!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Now that's shocking!

Because that's what one does during the holidaze, Cooldan recently found himself cruising for sex on Manhunt. He came across a posting he particularly liked. It read:

Endless wars, torture, healthcare for profit? Way to go, America...

Classically attractive, well built men are a turn on, and it's a good start. A mental/intellectual connection is just as, if not more important. Prefer to meet people while out dancing, but a lot of the music in clubs these days is like kryptonite. Seeking cute, in shape. Race unimportant. Socially/politically aware a huge +. Republicans need not apply. Can barely stand Democrats as it is. The only thing more tiresome (and offensive) than hiv-negative guys(as well as some who aren't sure) calling themselves "clean" and "sane" (suggesting that poz boys are "dirty" and "insane") is that some poz boys are buying into it. Peace

Cooldan wrote to this user commending his posting: "Your profile post should be read aloud at capitol hill! It's a shame that more people don't spend more time reading profiles, instead of only caring about pec and penis size."

Me: "So what did he write back?"

Cooldan: "Come over."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

Sending out lots of love out this holiday to my friends and family. Merry Christmas! You are and will always be my greatest gift!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Bienvenidos a Mexico!

Although it's not really Mexico! More like Daytona Beach with bars galore, populated by hoochie mama hostesses, men on the street calling out "Chicas!" "Coca!" and signs everywhere: "Women Drink Free Monday through Friday!" or this helpful Mexican mathematics: "Woman + Dance on Bar = Free shot of Tequila!"

Cancun/Playa del Carmen is built for American spring breaking breeders. It's always staggering for me to see how the other 90% lives. I mean, I tolerate them. But why do they have to shove their lifestyle in my face? ;)

Here are the tacos, known locally as "plugs of beast with flour"
If the plugs give you Montezuma's revenge, direct yourself to the incontinence aisle.
Hobo a Go-Go! How about a towering pyramid of Boones Farm wine?
An hour south in Tulum, was a little better and I'd definitely return there.

Check out the beach!
Tulum has a prepossessing pile of rocks as well.
Grandpa's blueblocker sunglasses are coming in handy!
Our beach! We were not alone....
We left Bam Bam drinking on the beach while we hit the waves. When we came back, he was feeding three iguanas with some surfer boy tourists. "You scared them away!" he says to me. But they were still there. "Not the iguanas---you scared off the straights!" Bam was luring the boys in with chips for the iguanas. One for the boys, one for the iguanas. "They were eating right out of my hands!"



Monday, December 21, 2009

10 Toys that made you gay

I always did lust after that pogo-ball. And I still know all the words to the "My Buddy" jingle. Telling, very telling.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Food Fright!

Don't you just love it when they translate foreign menus into English? How about some FLESH SCALLOPS? An order of Giant Cram? In Mexico with Chad, Scott, and Bam we found this menu so appetizing, we are considering opening a restaurant with only these confounding descriptions on the menu. What would we call it? Lost in Translation...or maybe LOTS in Translation?

It's always tough to choose between Filet of Beast to the Mexican, and Filet of Beast to the Plate
Why order a breaded chicken breast, when you can have Breast of Chicken Crunch???
Here are the tacos.
Tacos are so much more appetizing in the English version: "Plugs of Beast with Flour"!!!
This is what happens when you translate straight from the dictionary. Check out more fun menu flaps on this site. And more here too! Favorites from other parts of the world include:

Deep Fried Fingers of my Lady.
From a menu in India

Boys style little chickens
From a menu in Barcelona

Teppan Yaki – Before Your Cooked Right Eyes.
From a menu in Japan

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dubbing Wendy Williams and Friends

Been a while! You know I write copy all about the steamy hot models on Paragon Men, right? My friend Greg began this site just a few months ago and it already features some of the sexiest images found anywhere online. Check out the site, and this month vote for Paragon Man of the year!

I'm also back in OUT magazine this month, so check my column on that blunder (six feet blunder?) I had on my grandfather's grave this past summer. Violet Tendencies is due out next year (springtime?), and we've got some great advance press from all the way down in Argentina! The last piece of press we got was from Brazil, and now Argentina. South America loves their Violet! If you read Spanish, or want to try, check out the article from Pagina 12 here. Big thanks to my friend Alejandro for writing it.

In other news, I just came across this review of A Four Letter Word (buy it for Christmas!) from the Portland Mercury (my hometown!). I'm not sure when it was written, or who said Stephen was well-endowed? But the writer is hysterical:

Luke (Jesse Archer) is a promiscuous, glitter-wearing “gay cliché” who considers giving up his man-whoring ways when he meets butch, well-endowed Stephen (Charlie David). Fucking, crossdressing, and shittalking ensue. Paradoxically both awful and thoroughly entertaining, A Four Letter Word features terrible acting, relentless one-liners, a bizarre fascination with addiction recovery meetings (is that a gay thing?), and an ending that is simultaneously incredibly predictable and unexpectedly touching. It’s ridiculous. It’s trashy. I totally recommend it.

I'm still having fun with that entertainment/news/neo-vaudeville show for GayLifeNYC.org. Hit up the site for the latest episodes and oh-so-much-more. Recently, we went to GMHC's Fashion Forward event which is basically the fashion world coming together to fight AIDS. I was on the red carpet interviewing a whole lot of different people: Wendy Williams, Tim Gunn, designer Jack Mackenroth, model Ronnie Kroell, and it turns out that the audio wasn't working! Like at all.

We decided to improvise and dub all the voices so that I was...playing all the parts. Ha! Here's what we came up with. Maybe the audio should go out every time?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Ain't that Precious?

Is it just me, or do you see an obese black girl and think There goes Precious! I haven't even seen the movie myself, but I never realized how many obese black women there actually are in the city before Precious came out. They are everywhere. We are all Precious!

You know if we're thinking it, others are saying it. As if it wasn't hard enough to be an obese black girl before this movie came out! I think of the playground these days and just shiver.

The other night I went to the local leather bar, the EAGLE, with some friends and one of these friends is LINA. She leaves her purse for me to watch at the bar while she goes up to talk with the DJ and it's a big purse, with some bling and a zebra print. So this guy comes up to the bar and says, "That your purse?" I say no, it's my girlfriend's and he says, "Good, so I won't have to take you out back and shoot you."

I'm not even PC, but some jokes are never funny, not even from gay lips at the gay bar. I told him it actually was my purse and to $*#@& the *@*&!@* off!

Bam's recruiter invited us over for a dinner party this weekend. Katy is a really amazing cook and as I kept saying, "I'm a vegetarian!" as I ate her pulled pork and sausage. Am I supposed to starve when I'm hungry and there's nothing vegetarian? I'm one of those hypocritical fairweathered Flexitarians, or so I'm told.

Also at the party was Katy's sister Mim who is a licensed acupuncturist. I tell her I've got neck troubles and maybe she could help. "I've got my needles upstairs," she tells me and when I say, "Let's do it!" She tells me "Absolutely....after a few more drinks!" You've got to love that.

Cut to a few drinks later: I'm laying on the bed upstairs and party guests wander in to watch as Mim needles my hands feet and neck with a skill aided by Chardonnay. My neck felt great and I slept like a baby that night (once home, of course). In fact, Mim's touch was such an exotic party favor that Bam and I've decided we'll have to throw a party early next year in which Mim appears as the mainline attraction: an ACUparty! With Drunkupuncture!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Jesse's Vein VS. Phlebotomist

Bam's newphew and his girlfriend have been staying with us while visiting NYC. It's always fun to see the city through the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time. It makes you remember your first time, even though sometimes you doubt there ever WAS a first time, but then you do remember it. How incredible it was, and you realize it is amazing to be able to survive live here!

It's also fun to hear about the family down in Sydney. I love Bam's folks and sisters, especially his sister in law, because I think we have a lot in common. I hope to make it down for the holidays to see everyone and of course it never hurts to flip 35 degrees Farenheit for 35 Celcius. Santa-like!

I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! Mine was punctuated with a big nasty bout of the flu. I don't think it was the swine flu because I feel skinny. Bam Bam and Theraflu, I would have died without you two. Thank you! Finally on the mend, I made it to the clinic this morning. They insisted on taking blood, which was a bit of a battle. Usually they don't even need the rubber thingy to wrap around my upper arm because my veins are there all juicy and ready, and Phlebotomists always love that. But this one-- she misses! She stabs me and is like, oops! Oops? I have no idea how she did that. It's like putting a pistol to your brain and shooting your thigh.

I really can't stand blood, not even the idea of blood. Basically, I know there are organs and slithery spleens and blood and all that gunk going on inside of my body but I choose to ignore all of that because I'm very self-loathing when it comes to my insides. Despite this, I still insist on watching the pricking and I'm shocked. "Oh my god you missed!" The needle is dangling out of my arm and she's like, "Look away!" So I look away and she keeps saying, "Stop moving, stop moving!" and I say very emphatically, "I'm NOT moving!" and she says: "I'm talking to the vein!"

She's talking to my vein! The image of my big juicy green vein wiggling away from a needle that's fishing for it in a sea of blood...is really too much. "Take it out and stab again!" I tell her. "That's what I'm trying to avoid!" Why is she trying to avoid that? "Try it again!" She can't possibly miss twice. "I'm gonna get this one!" "I'm going to faint!" "No you're not!" "Pull it out!!" "I've GOT it!" she cries victorious.

Was it good for you, too?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Theatrical Reviews!

....And I am telling you I keep going! Saw a lot of theatre this weekend, mostly thanks to my friend Brandon who can't get enough!

Dreamgirls...at the Apollo! Chester Gregory as James "Thunder" Early was awesome, and wow, what an Effie! Moya Angela knocks it out of the park as the indomitable headstrong, hurting ex-Dream. The rest of the production felt like a national tour (I am sure it's about to become one), and I wasn't wild about the costumes, the panel set, or the new song "Listen" (from the film version) which they turned into a duet bringing Effie back to Deena and the fold.

The audience seemed to like it, though, and I must say anything is better than that, "When I first saw you, I said..oh my" tune that keeps on coming back like a bad smell. It's amazing to see this or anything at the Apollo Theatre ("The bastion of African-American Culture and Achievement") where Ella Fitzgerald won one of the first "amateur nights".

My black culture on-stage education continued with FELA on Broadway. This show officially opens tonight, and follows AfroBeat legend Fela Anikulapo Kuti, who was a musician and activist from Nigeria. I've never seen such incredible color and dancing. Sahr Ngaujah as Fela has the charisma and stamina to pull off what must be the most exhausting role on stage today.

I could've done without the audience participation, and the set felt more House of Blues over the bayou than actual Nigeria. Fela also isn't quite sure if it's a concert or a historical biopic (they either need to add more story or remove it all), but for a message of continuing the struggle and the sheer exuberance of a music and dance that's never been to Broadway before - check it out.

Carrie Fisher in her one woman show, "Wishful Drinking". I read the book in half an hour, so I was thrilled to see it come to Broadway. Carrie is a self-deprecating riot, beginning with the tale about waking up in bed next to her gay friend who was dead. She goes hysterically on about her family "After the death of her husband, my father rushed to Elizabeth Taylor's side, and quickly worked his way to her front", fame "Celebrity is just obscurity biding its time", and Star Wars, "Princess Leia couldn't wear a bra in Star Wars, because George Lucas told me: There is no underwear in space". Couldn't get enough of her. I may even see it again.

I've seen some films recently, too. Oh I've been busy!

Food, Inc: So now I can't even eat soy? Shit!
Up: Loved this film, what took me so long to see it?
Bruno: I'm so glad I waited til it came to video. I laughed maybe twice.
Loggerheads: This is maybe the best gay (okay, gay-adjacent) films I've ever seen. It was so beautiful and heartfelt and lots like life: searching, searching, searching. Highly recommended!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hymn for Jorge

I'm so angry! Tomorrow, I will attend a vigil for 19 year old Puerto Rican Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado who was decapitated, dismembered and set on fire just for being gay. The rally is 5pm Sunday at Christopher Street Pier: info here.

What insane rage that allows another human being to so wickedly kill another human being? In the case of an anti-gay crime, the rage is fueled in part by legislation and policies that reinforce a homosexual's status as a second class citizen. They don't know whether they're going to charge his murder as a hate-crime? The police officer in charge of the investigation has suggested Jorge Mercado had it coming...because of the way he lived his life?

What is with this re-victimizing of the victim?

Jorge's mother posted this message on Facebook about her son:

"When my son told me he was gay, I told him, 'Now, I love you more.' I want to tell the world that hatred is not born with human beings, it is a seed that is planted by adults and is fostered creating a climate of intolerance and violence. We must change our ways and understand that anyone could have been my son. And I want everybody to know that Jorge Steven was a very much loved son."
-- Miriam

Where is hatred born? May I argue against religion for a second? I presume the officer who has blamed the victim is religious. I also presume Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado's killer is religious. He has been apprehended and in the capture photo, a long crucifix dangles around his neck.

I wish I were one of those people that could just accept that religion is a good, helpful medicine that makes some people better. But how much is religion to blame for these kind of crimes? If not for the crimes, then in part for the political/social climate in which they are perpetrated.

When the topic of religion comes up, I get instinctively combative. Not enough to lop anyone's head off, sever their limbs and burn their corpse, but it makes me angry. Like when I meet a Catholic and know that the pope is liable for so many lives for refusing to condone the use of condoms. Not to mention Catholic accountability for its refusal to do or say anything against people such as...Hitler.

All religions make me angry because they put superstition before humankind. I met a guy the other night who told me he was a Mormon. I have Mormon friends and they are sweet but they don't listen to logic, just faith and scripture. So the first thing out of my mouth to this man is:

"How can you believe that? Nobody ever saw these golden tablets Joseph Smith supposedly transcribed."

And you know what he says to me?

"Nobody ever saw AIR, either."

At this point I totally lose it because---that's your argument? Sophistry?

I love how believers mix specious reasoning with ("you can't see molecules!") science to make their point. As if I had written morality into air, like that charlatan did into invisible tablets. Nobody ever saw fire-breathing dragons either, but there are so many stories about them it gets confusing! All it takes to twist an otherwise sane, intelligent person into a nutcase? Blind faith.

If you are told that you're in danger of losing the planet you're to inherit upon your passing, you would not think twice about voting against my equal rights. How much farther does that logic extend before you are willing to take my life? Muslim honor-killers consider it a duty!

It's no coincidence that locations where all of society is under the stranglehold of religion (Africa, Middle East, Latin America) are the same places it is so much more mortally dangerous to exist outside of rigidly enforced gender roles. I'm surprised anyone leaves their house! Living on the *brink*, how do any of us stay sane and not spiral into paranoia? Seriously, how do you do it? Because that's where it feels like I'm headed.

Of course, it's not all religion's fault. Some people are just sick puppies. My favorite part is when an alleged killer is arrested, and relatives and friends are ALWAYS flabbergasted! The 8 year old girl, killed after being sold into prostitution by her mother last week? Mother's sis speaks up, "My sister could never have done that! She would have done anything for her little girl!" The father of the Fort Hood shooter, "It wasn't my son. My son loved the USA!" A man decapitates a rider on the Greyhound bus in Canada, and friends and neighbors all chime in together, "He's the LAST person you'd suspect could do this kind of thing!"

I am starting to want to be the FIRST person you would suspect of doing this kind of thing. In this world, that is harmless! How do we tell right from wrong? How long have we been subverting fact in favor of denial? What the hell is real? I can't even see the air I breathe.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hobosexual Debut

Last you heard, Anita Private was offering hookers her peach cobbler in exchange for sex. She now makes a video debut on the next installment of my show for gaylifenyc. "Hobo-a-Gogo with Anita Private" delivers all the best deals in NYC, and today she finds free, unlimited boxed wine!

This is turning into a very amateur variety show. In upcoming episodes, we hope to offer more guests and segments. Take a look and please give advice and feedback to help us make it better!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Shirley Q. Liquor does the Price is Right

Are you ready for some demented genius? You'll hear it shortly, but first: did you know I was on the Price is Right? Oh yeah, I got to "come on down" to Bob Barker in the 90's! I may write about that experience for Out Magazine, we shall see. I ended up winning a $750 baseball set. Ugh. What I really wanted was that giant-wheeled popcorn popper Holly wheeled out for bids!

But less about me and more about Shirley Q. Liquor----the new spokesperson for The Price is Right. "Hop up and holler, honey--you just won some merchandise!"

This may just make your day:

Monday, November 16, 2009

Edward Albee told me George & Martha are...still alive!

I've been volunteering for GLAAD's art auction for months---it's one of their biggest benefits of the year--and it finally came together. I hope it raised a shitload of cash! Oh, and remember Cooldan's "fartwork"? It sold! Yay!

At the event I was doing some filming for OurSceneTV and got to interview some amazing people including Mad Men's Bryan Batt, those three adorable actors who play gay on One Life To Live (I love Nicholas Rodriguez), Joel Grey, even writer Edward Albee-- a funny old man!

I didn't know how to pronounce his name (it's Ahhhlbee, not Al-bee), and he wouldn't tell me what he's writing now, but he did give gossip on his masterpiece "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf". He saw the title (what would be the title) scrawled on the wall of a gay bar back in 1950 ("I was young then") and filed it away. Ten years later, he pulled it out of storage. Guess we can't say graffiti never served any good! I also asked if George and Martha ever adopted? "They would never do that!" he said.

Here I'm talking to artist and the night's "Out in Art" award recipient Ross Bleckner. In the middle is his friend, Academy Award winning actor Joel Grey.

Vanessa Williams was slated to be there, too. She ended up being a no-show which was SO disheartening because I was dying to ask the former beauty queen her take on Carrie Prejean!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Musto VS. Club 57

Michael Musto kills me!! Have you seen him analyzing Carrie Prejean on Keith Olbermann? He's also the queen on our nightlife scene, spilling it all into a virtuoso Village Voice column.

Now he's finally taken a video-camera to capture his nocturnal adventures. Michael, what took you so long? Check out (Tony Fornabaio and Brandon Voss') Club 57, with La Dolce Musto:


Did I mention Michael has a cameo in Violet Tendencies?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Get LOADED off-Broadway!

I caught the new Off-Broadway play, LOADED. The tag line? "What happens when Fuck Buddies start talking?" There are only two actors--the fuck buddies in question---one older, one a generation younger. (of course they're both straight -ahem!) The older one is played by soap star Kevin Spirtas, who we nearly cast in Violet Tendencies. He was so sexy that our casting director got all hot and bothered and kept fanning herself throughout his audition and callback.

So when the opportunity came to see him perform in this—and with his young co-star Scott Kerns (both fully frontal to boot) who could say no? Off Broadway is always hit or miss and you can usually tell right away what fix you’ve got yourself into. I knew from the first few lines that this was a winner. It’s got the catty humor and rapacious wit “My virus is older than you!” and the complex psychology to back it all up.

They got the nudity out of the way right off the bat so we could get right into what the playwright had to say. And it's loaded! --uncensored, un-PC, and remarkably artificial-free.

Loaded, at the Lion Theatre

The play's not perfect---the set looked like a dorm room, which was confusing because it was supposed to belong a 47 year old gay guy. With…pennants on his wall? The ups and downs, the happy/upset seemed sometimes to flow too easily into each other, but the writer (Elliot Ramon Potts) is so gifted—it’s his first play—and its issues are so exactly what it’s like to live as a gay man today, so sickly relevant, that I couldn’t help wishing for that fabulous day when it will be dated; old fashioned and irrelevant as Fred Astaire.

I found myself identifying much more with the older character. The jaded one, the one with the biting humor, who railed against trying to legislate acceptance: “We didn’t fight to fit in!” I kept wondering why he put up with that idealist kid. That bleeding heart liberal who wanted to know what kind of role model he was talking to: “What are you teaching me? Get old, get bitter, get even?”

And then I felt a little bit guilty for that. I’m in the middle age-wise and I see both sides of the arguments. It felt exactly like I was watching the fights I have inside my own head. The audience was totally there emotionally, witnessing all that truth up on the stage - and the pain beneath that truth. Are we perpetuating the pain we inherit onto the next generation? What are we turning into?

The message is clear: the most destructive threat we face comes from within our own ranks. We are our own worst enemies.
For that message, and for the reminder that we do have the power to forgive ourselves and to choose better --- LOADED should be required viewing for every last gay in the land.

Queer the 2010 Census!

Did you know LGBT's and our families are invisible in the US Census? Sign this petition to queer the census. You can even get a free "Queer the Census" sticker to mail in with your 2010 census questionnaire. Here's why this is important:

LGBT people are invisible in the census, which is THE survey that is designed to accurately reflect the diverse reality of America's population. The data collected has a direct impact on issues that are critical to every American – issues like health care, economic stability and safety. When LGBT people are not counted, individuals, families and communities suffer.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Les Parapluies de Cherbourg

Where was I -- in an elevator, at the piano bar? When I heard the strains of Michel Legrand's "I will wait for you" and had to run home and watch the Umbrellas of Cherbourg. It used to be when I watched this film, I only cried at the end. But then I started crying in the middle. Now I watch the opening credits, hear that song and suddenly burst into tears. What is wrong with me?

I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit that The Umbrellas of Cherbourg is my all time favorite film. It's not at all complex. It's a deceptively simple story, some would say silly. I mean, the frames are so colorful that the wallpaper should be considered another character (in one scene, her dress is made of the same pattern). A very young, supremely exquisite Catherine Deneuve stars, it's all in French, and did I forget to mention that it's not a musical---and yet every single last word of dialogue is...sung? There is nothing like it, before or since.

I have no idea how this rare thing somehow slipped through the cracks of any system and managed to get made at all. Perhaps it is the honesty. Life doesn't turn out the way you expect it to. Choices come with consequences that must be lived with. There is no Hollywood ending.

Instead, there is only that crushingly bittersweet finale at the Esso gas station in the snow. Oh my god just even thinking about it I. Can't. Hardly. Go. On.

Monday, November 09, 2009

That's what friends are for

I'm sitting with my friend Jimmy in a movie cinema at 11am on a Thursday about to watch the Michael Jackson film This is It---basically just to see how often Michael Jackson looks like he needs a propofol--when the previews begin.

They're all terribly apocalyptic, one in particular: "2012" -- about the Mayan predicted end of the world. There are earthquakes, explosions and all sorts of hellfire and it looks of course exactly like another movie, Independence Day, not surprisingly directed ALSO by Roland Emmerich. As the apocalypse all plays out, Jimmy turns to me and says, "Wouldn't it be cool if the world really did end in 2012? I'm kind of over it." He pauses before adding, "Do you think my unemployment will last til then?"

Friends are the best thing when you're in a funk. They make you feel not quite so alone in your thinking. They also make you feel better about your own situation because theirs is often worse, and yet they somehow turn misery into something wildly entertaining. Life would be tragic, if it weren't so damn funny.

A close friend who shall remain (I can't believe I'm not calling him out!) anonymous---had a hemorrhoid operation. He was all distraught about his ass being broken because it's his best feature. "My ass is out of commission," he went on and on. "It's like Einstein losing his brain!"

So my friend has the operation, and he can't hardly even sit (we like to say his ass is "closed for maintenance", and of course he likes to add, "It's being rejuvenated!"). Anyway, first night after his operation, he stands up to take the bandage and diaper off, sees his own blood all over it and immediately faints, crashing to the floor...and breaking a finger in the process!

Then there's my friend Trent - who came home a couple weeks ago to find his Chelsea apartment had been broken into and robbed, his camera and laptop stolen. You can imagine the horror at having your computer and all your files disappear, especially if you're a writer like Trent--but it gets better! The thieves had rummaged through his drawers, looking for goodies, and on the table where his laptop once sat was....Trent's DILDO! Yes, they had left him a little message, a final: You got screwed!

Which, Trent writes, "You have to admit is pretty hysterical."

Thursday, November 05, 2009

WING takes Manhattan!

Maybe you've heard of the Kiwi-living, Hong Kong-bred songstress WING? She's become an online viral sensation with her high-pitched, inimitable whacky warbling. She's so bad, she's good---covering everyone from Celine Dion to ABBA to Judy Garland to Michael Jackson.

I needed a lift, so we went to check her out at Birdland, where she opened for my friend Jim Caruso, who hosts an always fabulous Monday night. To tell the truth, we weren't sure how to react and you can't help feeling a bit of a racist for going. Does she even know what the words mean? Do I laugh? Cry? But there ain't no shame in Wing's game!

Hey--know your niche and work it! At Birdland, Wing looked like she was having a grand old time, and the audience was totally with her. It ended up feeling something like a rock concert.

Here's WING covering Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" :

video

That was not me laughing. It was Chad! But I did lose it when she sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and trilled out, "If happy little brue birds fry, why oh why can't I?"

Things went wild when Wing covered AC/DC. Here she performs "Highway to Hell":

video

Did you know Wing was featured on an episode of South Park? For more of her novelty, and to buy the CDs....find WING here!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

There's not enough chlorine in the world!

Here's a sign that hangs at the public pool where I swim in the summers:
There are a ton of these pools around the city --all WPA projects--. During lap swim, the pool clears out and I frequently paddle past snack wrappers, clumps of hair, used Band-Aids. This sign is always a good reminder: Urinating, Discharge of Fecal Matter, Spitting or Blowing the Nose in the Pool is Prohibited! You know that they wouldn't have created that sign if e) all of the above had not been committed in the public pool! I used to think this sign was only hysterical, disgustingly hysterical!

But the general public is being allowed to vote on my rights and your rights! The sickening vote yesterday in Maine (prop 8, round 2) took away marriage equality in that state. If Loving vs. Virginia had been put to a vote, Obama would be a bastard child. If the Civil Rights act had been put to a vote, our President would be in the back of an Alabama bus. How is it that today equal civil rights are being voted on by majority/mob rule?

These are mammals who have to be told not to shit in the swimming pool.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Holy Sweet Sexual Fluids!

Being under-employed, I've found some very amusing ways to pass my time. A couple weeks ago I got to judge a spokesmodel competition. I can't say the name of the product because it's not out yet, but it's a pill you take to make your sexual fluids taste sweeter. What!!? Hello, I could do this all day long. I got to interview pretty girls about blow jobs and why they've been waiting their whole lives for this product and how they would seduce a man with it. The day got so crazy and desperate that these pretty girls ended up saying things like, "I'm a reformed spitter..."

Priceless. I can't wait to show you the promo video when it's out!

I've also started volunteering with God's Love We Deliver, which is this amazing organization that delivers free meals to people living with AIDS and other deadly diseases. They opened a branch near me, so I'm their Friday delivery guy. They make really amazing full course meals which always make me really hungry. Most people just have me deliver to their doorman, but there is one man who seems really genuinely happy to see me each week...yes, there is that one man.

I have also been volunteering with GLAAD---on the curatorial sub-commmittee for their annual Art Auction benefit!

In the last few weeks, we whittled down the submissions to the top 100 pieces of art to be auctioned at the event. I convinced CoolDan to submit some of his zany photoshop art to see what happens. He calls it his "Fartwork" (see exhibit A for a sample of his fartwork)

Exhibit A:
This piece is not the one he submitted, but one of his pieces did get selected! Since I was part of the curatorial committee, he thought for sure I had something to do with it---really, I didn't--but when it was announced he will be included, I got this message:

CoolDan:
They accepted my fartwork at the GLAAD auction!! How many blowjobs did you have to give?
Me:
Several dozen. I owe you.


The star-studded event is on November 15, and we're in the final push for ticket sales. If you're an art lover, admirer, or just want to support this organization for all the work it does to promote positive GLBT messages in advertising and the media...please help and buy a ticket here!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Halloween Ho-Bots!

The Ho-Bots were a hit! We thought the ho-bots were a good idea in theory, but in reality a tragic failure of galactic proportions.

The Ho-Bots make a splash in the subway station. Cooldan, Bam & Jesse
But we must've done something right because in west Chelsea the trick-or-treaters (and their mothers) all wanted photos with the hobots. One piece of evidence:
For once we didn't do the Halloween parade (a good thing--it rained!) and instead hit the Highline Ballroom to check out the Frankenstein show. Only it wasn't a show. It was a reading! I can't believe you'd put on Frankenstein--on Halloween night no less---and not dress up. I wanted costumes and makeup and sets!

Instead, a narrator came out...actually reading from her script. Thankfully, there were some big Broadway belters in the house! And alcohol!

The woman in the middle, Jennifer, was sitting at a table all by herselfuntil we invited her over to be the star of our table. She ended up going out with us afterward.
Not all of our friends dressed up. Grrrr!
Hobot meets up with Anita, bedazzled into King Triton!
Benji and Austin. This spectacular creature on the left has the most amazing home---I mean, a koi pond? Wow----and once I got past the get-up and contact lenses, I saw it was Benji, who once played my boyfriend in an off-broadway show we were in together.
Purr-fect, Miss Kitty!
Super-Jew!
This lady on the left was sensational---I followed her into the bathroom where in the tub she had a totally different costume she quickly changed into. Finally, someone who gets it: There just aren't enough Halloweens in the year!
At one party, we found Sean, me, and Cooldan in this week's NEXT magazine!
Danny! And our sexy host...
The Ho-Bots head home.
As you can tell, we discovered the amazing secret about bras. I kept asking each woman I saw last night, "What do you keep in your bra?" Because they are fantastic storage spaces.

Cooldan manages to keep his cigarettes, and phone. I had lipstick, phone, and a camera in mine. Sadly, my cup size was too small because my phone fell out. Right now it's lost between two house parties and home. So if you're trying to call me and some stranger answers, tell them to send me an email!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Donnie Skiff Scholarship Fund

As many of you know, Don, (one of my readers here) lost his son Donnie earlier this year to a brutal and senseless murder. Don has remained very strong, recently facing his son's killers--and sitting through agonizing testimony about how Donnie was killed---in order to ensure that justice will be served in this case.

I am totally pulling for him, and so is his Pennsylvania community. They have organized a celebration of Donnie's life in a benefit concert on November 13. Since Donnie was a musician, all proceeds will go to the Donnie Skiff Wyoming Valley West Music Scholarship Fund....which will provide a scholarship to a young high school musician. If you can donate to this fund, please help make something positive out of this painful random act of violence.

You can make checks out to:
"Donnie Skiff Scholarship Fund"
care of:
Darce Lesko
404 Vine Street
Larksville, PA 18651.

Pumpkin Carving out of Control!

Hit the Boiler Room last night with Bam and Crazy Dan to carve some pumpkins for Halloween. People had been there since 4pm carving their hearts out and at 8pm they still were going strong. The more serious contestants brought in their own props. One guy had wood-carving tools and another had super glue. "He's put up a scaffolding around his pumpkin!" said Bam Bam, and I must say it was an intimidating sight!

It was also very sweet to see the whole neighborhood there. You know it takes a village when even the local drug dealer is carving pumpkins with you. Crazy Dan ended up making a very ethnic pumpkin with big hoop earrings he named "Sha-ne-ne". And when all the Jack-o-Lanterns were lined up for judging, and we witnessed the virtuoso carving skills of the masters, Crazy Dan whimpered, "Does this mean Sha-ne-ne is out of the running?"

The lineup beginning. I'm not even telling you which was mine!
Of course the wood-carving "lobotomy" pumpkin master took home first prize. The deep sea, pumpkin-seed scaled fish took home 2nd place, and they gave a special "honorable mention" to this guy named Joel. Joel had mixed feelings about his pumpkin's win. "Honorable mention?" he asked me. "Isn't that kind of like...Most Improved?"

Who cares? He got a free bar tab! Happy Halloween!

Gay News Show

My friend Mike has been putting together a website gaylifenyc.org which acts as a portal for all sorts of organizations within the gay community of new york city. It also offers services for those recently diagnosed with HIV. He asked me to come in and do a news show for the site, so here's a Halloween edition.

I think it's way too much of me, and Mike got carried away with the green screen images but here's some fun things to do around the city and also a cameo with adorable fag hag Margret!

Let us know your thoughts and how we can improve!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

SATC 2 photos from set!

Sex and the City 2! Let's just say I'd love to tell you all I know about the script and plot but they made us sign confidentiality agreements. Of course I signed mine LOUISE BROOKS, but I had such a fun time on set and the cast and the writer/director were so awesome I actually don't want to give anything away!

But here are a few photos. There were hundreds of extras for the gay wedding scene shot at Steiner Studios. It's this sprawling studio in nowhereseville, Brooklyn. Right on the east river. Next to some derelict military facility. Steiner Studios is huge and we spent many, many long nights there. It began to feel like home.

Kohl, SD, and me
The beautiful Romina!
Some gorgeous boys on set. These 2 played waiters. The one on the right was so sweet, we had a lot of laughs. Also most of young Broadway was on set---so it was not an unhappy set to be on!
Sometimes they kept us like cattle out in the tent. I couldn't have made it without my whacky new family: here with Kohl, Amanda, and SD who taught me all about life as a FTM tranny. We had so much fun together!
This old woman cracked me up. I thought she was this very hoity-toity lady but then one night, around 5 or 6 in the morning we're on set and I hear her say "Who do I have to fuck to get sent home?" And before I have the time to process these words coming from her mouth, she adds, "Is it the same guy I had to fuck to get this job?"
I loved her after that.

Look at those legs! This photo was taken around 7 am. We had been there about 17 hours and we had to get the shot done because the cast was leaving for Morocco the next day. Oh yeah. It is ALWAYS glamour on a movie set!


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Masculine Halloween costumes for your Effeminate Son

This parody from the Onion is so spot on. And I agree with Dan Savage--it's somehow heartbreaking.

The author of "Actually, he's a boy"...offers tips on how to butch up your fem son at Halloween.

"If you want your child to pick a male-dominated profession, be careful not to pick one that has been co-opted by the gay community like a fireman, a cop, a cowboy. Otherwise they'll just end up looking like a stripper."

Check it out.

I suppose I should have ended up with the robot suit, "for the prancer" who skips delicately instead of walking. Funny thing is, I am going as a robot for Halloween this year. A hooker robot. A ho-bot. A prancing ho-bot!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Aspiring Novelist?

My friend turned me onto this site--we're only days away---called NANOWRIMO. It's National Novel Writing Month! It begins November 1, and the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel by the end of the month. With a ton of other people from around the world who are doing the same thing! Who wants to write a novel?

From their homepage:

Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved.

Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.

Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down.

Apparently, they do it every year and every year it grows. It's totally free. From my personal experience I've found publishing a novel was not lucrative, but I do need a new creative project. What do I have to lose? So I consider....their goal works out to just over 2,000 words a day which is - if you don't know word count -- a bit more than double the length of my columns in OUT. Per day. Hmm. What would I write? Why would I write it? Dayum, I need a sponsor.

Or a kick in the pants.



Sunday, October 25, 2009

Hair on Broadway! Does it melt your butter?

Good hair day! What took me so long? I first heard about this production when it ran last summer off-Broadway, at the outdoor theatre in Central Park. On opening night, near the end, clouds opened up and pissed down rain just as the cast began singing "Let the Sunshine In". I know this because I bumped into some random guy who saw it and said it was the most spiritual experience he'd ever had. I love that!

So what took me so long to get up to 45th street? It's funny how living in NYC, I often get numb to all the truly amazing stuff going on here. I've been feeling kind of down and despondent, so a musical was just the lift I needed. Big thanks to my friend AJ who swept into town and took Bam and me out on the town to see HAIR!

The cast was excellent. Will Swenson brings quirky fabulous, utterly uncivilized things to the role of sexy Berger. Then of course is the openly gay Gavin Creel, who makes a fabulous Claude even though for the life of me I'll never understand the whole Manchester, England song. Like, why? Of course we forgive him that one, and also for the fact that I think both these boys are supposed to be...teenagers?

Ok---quick side story---when I was at the equality march last weekend, the whole cast of HAIR actually went down to DC to march as well (the show went dark last Sunday--how awesome are they?) and along the march I filmed this group of drag queens from Richmond, Virginia, who were taking a break right right in front of the White House. One of them, in her made up face and heavy southern drawl, hollers to my camera, "Gavin Creel....from the cast of HAIR? HE MELTS MY BUTTER." The secret service agrees.

In the show, probably the most beautiful song (if not the most exuberant) for me is Shiela's (Caissie Levy) lament "Easy to be Hard":

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

It's super strong and poignant, and she sings it about her boyfriend Berger who's kind of a hypocrite to the hippie cause. In the movie, I think (do I remember right?) she is pregnant and comes home and he rejects her and the pregnancy. Good motivation to sing! He's so shitty!

But in the play she is not pregnant. Instead,she comes back and gives Berger this gift of a yellow polyester shirt. He tosses it around, and ends up ripping the thing in half. Then she launches into "Easy to be Hard". Hey writer, give this girl some motivation! I'm unsure (help me out?) if this is the way the show was originally written, maybe it's done to make Berger look not so shitty---but the movie definitely upped the stakes to lead naturally, beautifully into the number. Busting your gut with a heart-wrenching showstopper just because he tore up the yellow poly/rayon blend? Not so much.

Otherwise I really enjoyed it. Half the time of course I had no idea what was happening onstage, and though it's not 1968 and there is no draft (or hippies), of course there are parallels with today's wars (will we ever learn?) and just--damn--the not wanting to fit in. It made me think of so many tangential things such as the bizarrely ironic fact that so many hippies ultimately turned into money-grubbing conservatives. And how if that odd leap continues to hold true, I am gonna be one frickin' rich asshole if I ever get old.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's Libra-Time

I'm not a big believer in astrology, but for some reason I've got a lot of Libras in my life. The ones I know are not so balanced as...easy going! Last week Cooldan celebrated his birthday, together with fellow Libras Sean and Jean-Manuel.

Happy Birthday, Boys!
Easy on the guyliner!
"Sexy". She's a party animal.
Sean monkeys around. Crazy Dan looks for an exit. I wear my sunglasses at night. At far right is another Libra. Chad's bday is today! HBD,C!

For some reason, the party this year was less populated than the last year's when we had a virtual party for Cooldan who wasn't even there! But it's nice to have him around, and listen to all his retarded wisdom. Out recently, he met this super-duper hunky model-handsome man who was too pretty to meet anyone. This led Cooldan to conclude: Ugly people and beautiful people both don't meet anyone when they go out, so they should just call it a day and hook up together.

Another year older, another year...full of it! Happy Birthday, Cooldan!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

DC - the equality march

I've heard from friends in Europe that yesterday's Equality March in DC got lots of coverage. Not sure how much we got here at home, but the thing was huge! I ran into so many people I knew, I caught up with friends who came all the way from Arizona, California, and Wyoming. Even the Screen Actors Guild was marching!

On Saturday night, I went out to a club that ended up being some kind of big bear party (?) The music was great, and even Lady Gaga appeared on a balcony at one point, bobbing around in her blonde weave and John Lennon glasses. She was also at the march, a very vocal supporter! One thing I kept noticing over and over was that this really was about "equality" and not just one aspect, like marriage. I also noticed more (and have been noticing more over the years) straight supporters. People with signs like, "Proud to be an ally" or "I won't get married until you can."

I was shooting video for www.ourscenetv.com, so I didn't get a lot of photos. Sorry!
Our Nobel Peace-Prize winning President gave another mesmerizing speech at the HRC gala the night before. How many times can he give a speech? How many times are we placated with a speech not followed up with hard action? I heard a very apt quote from someone in DC who told me something along the lines of, "The mark of a successful politician is the ability to disappoint their supporters at a rate they can absorb."

Oh, and did you hear what Barney Frank had to say? While I have my own doubts as to the real efficacy of demonstrations, he said it was a waste of time and that we should be lobbying our lawmakers instead. He said our march was only "putting pressure on the grass." Ha!

The march was more than a couple of miles, which is not recommended in cowboy boots!

My favorite sign had to be this one:
Show me some full federal! We passed right by the White House.
I'm not sure why the organizers couldn't organize to have us on the mall, but we ended instead at the capitol steps. There's only so much screaming from a podium I can cope with, but I did hear many of the speakers. One of which, Judy Shephard, echoed Barney Frank in saying that the President can't do this alone. The only difference is, she's doing both! Why can't we all show solidarity in a march, as well as pressure our lawmakers? Here's how:

Legislation has been introduced now to repeal DOMA, and also they're still trying to pass ENDA, which would make it illegal to fire someone because of their sexuality, and/or gender identity. Call the US Capitol Switchboard at (202) 224-3121, give the operator your zip code and ask to be connected to your Representative. Then leave a message with your name, city, and say that you support the ENDA bill and why, and that you'd like to see DOMA repealed and why. Go on, do it!

Afterward, we went up to the deck of the W hotel with my friends Mich, Stephen, Bam and Cooldan for drinks and some incredible views of the city.

Obama lives right over there!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Equality or Bust!

This weekend has a great many men and women faced with a giant conondrum: go to the capitol for the National Equality March, or stay in New York City and see Kylie Minogue in her first US concert tour!? Yikes, what an unfair choice to be made!

Sorry Kylie, I'm headed to DC! Events in my own life in the last week have certainly made me more disenfranchised from this country; more fearful of the distance between its ideals and its reality. I look forward to marching for a reality in step with what our constitution has to say about individual liberties. Though I'm not sure what can or will be gained from a large scale demonstration (we saw how those stopped the Iraq war), it's going to be great to stand with so many others in solidarity. Let's see if Obama stands with us.

I hope to see you there!

Friday, October 09, 2009

Euthanasia is a RIOT!

If you think this is a re-post, you're almost right---but I've got exciting new details (and video!) from our would-be right-to-die patient, Jodi!

Worked last night on Sex and the City 2 set...and I wish I could spill the details, but they've muzzled us with confidentiality agreements. Let me just say that they've got a truly fun guest superstar in this scene! So since I can't dish on the film, let me dish on the life of a film "extra":

There's this one woman on set, Jodi, who cracks me up. She's in her 40's, and one of the extras (aka "Background") in this film. She's playing a lesbian, "Is it because I have short hair?" she wonders. On set, she kept muttering the following phrase, "Give me the GAS..."

Turns out, Jodi auditioned for a small part in an upcoming film called "You Don't Know Jack", which is a film about the suicide doctor, Jack Kevorkian being played by Al Pacino. And Jodi had the grand opportunity to audition for the illustrious part of one of Jack Kevorkian's dying patients. The one line she needed to utter, the last words to leave this character's body, were: "Give me the gas", whereupon the always accommodating doctor would promptly euthanize her.

Jodi went on and on about this part. She was perfect for it! She could play dying patient like no other. Imagine--euthanized by none other than Al Pacino! Caressed as she lay sucking the gas by none other than Susan Sarandon! It was the best part in the film---well certainly the best lines. In the lead up, her character bargains with the doctor, "God had his chance to take me....now I'm going to him. Give me the gas..."

She wore no makeup to the audition, she dressed in just a white sheet. She almost shaved her head for it but thought that may be going overboard, and when she walked into the audition room, mopy and gaunt, to utter the immortal lines, "Give me the gas!" she was told by the casting director, "try it again with...less emotion", and so Jodi did.

Give. Me. The. Gaaaas...

The possibility of getting the gas from Al Pacino has Jodi breathless. She was on set yesterday mumbling all forms and intonations of:

"Give ME the gas"
"Give me THE gas"
"GIVE...me the gas"

...until at last I ask when this audition was? "Two months ago," she says flatly.

When I give her a look that says it may be time to stop dreaming, she says, "Yeah, my husband says I won't believe I didn't get the part until I watch the movie and don't see myself in it."

Jodi takes a moment before adding, "Isn't the life of an 'extra' pathetic?"

Actually, not at all. Jodi totally made my day.

UPDATE: We surprised Jodi on set yesterday, and begged her to give us another reading or two of the role that should be hers! Give her the gas! Watch it here:

video

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Moving On

Still feeling totally freaked out after last weekend. I think I will feel this way for a while. I'm really thankful for the organizations, elected officials, bloggers, and friends helping me out. I'm still trying to get the surveillance video from that night. Then there is the (always "anonymous") contingent of commentators who automatically assume I'm lying, or that I deserve violence for having mouthed off. Ugh.

Had to get out of the city! Bam and I went up to Bear Mountain with our friends Chad & Scott to check out the leaves, and do some apple picking. It was the best day of the year; not hot, not cold.

Look at them apples!

Monday, October 05, 2009

Police Brutality - New York's Finest!

Now I can add arrested in Grand Central Station to my resume.

UPDATE, APRIL 2010: Both disorderly conduct charges against me have been dismissed!

UPDATE October: thanks for all the response here, and also for the blogs who have linked here. From what it seems now: turns out this was not the NYPD. It was the MTA police department. Who knew, the MTA had a police force? I'm being helped by Erik at the office of speaker Christine Quinn. One of the main reasons I spoke up is because other people have spoken up in the past, so for future reference--if something like this happens to you in NYC, please contact:

Erik Bottcher
LGBT Community Liaison
HIV/AIDS Community Liaison
Speaker Christine C. Quinn
New York City Council
(212) 788-5646
ebottcher@council.nyc.gov

Also the Gay & Lesbian anti-violence project: (212) 714-1184
Also the NYCLU, which advocates for your civil rights in NY.

On Friday night, I was walking back to the subway with my friend Stace, about 1:30 in the morning after a friend's birthday party at the Grace Hotel. We cut through the giant main room of Grand Central, and it was really empty so I did a cartwheel. The police called me over, and gave me a ticket for "disorderly conduct". A cartwheel! Are you gonna give every 9 year-old who does a cartwheel a ticket?

It was so unbelievable, and I let them know it. But when they were done issuing me the citation, I start walkinig toward my friend Stace who was waiting nearby. Facing him, not the cops, I utter an expletive about the cops, and next thing I know I'm being tackled by several policemen from behind.

The cops wrench my wrist back, handcuff me, and one of them has my head and is pounding it into the cold hard cement. I was not resisting, I was not fighting. I didn't even see them coming. They were simply going to teach this faggot a lesson! While my brains are being dashed, all I can think (besides, this shouldn't be happening!) was that this kind of injury is exactly how Natasha Richardson died. And here's the thing about having your arms behind your back and your head being smashed repeatedly into the floor of Grand Central Station by the very people who are supposed to protect you: the only thing you can try to do is move your neck from side to side -- so that the blunt force will cause more trauma to your head, than to your face. I blacked out.

Next thing I know I'm in a jail cell in my underwear. Why was I in my underwear? Why wasn't I fingerprinted, booked, or charged? My clothes are outside of this cell and I'm in there thinking if the cops can get away with this, they could make me disappear into one of those CIA web of prisons. I thought I was more in the Ukraine, than the USA. And worse, if I were a black person? I might have been shot.

In the past, I've called the NYPD a couple of times for help, and here's what happened: Once, outside my apartment on Avenue D, I was rushed by a gang of about 5 men trying to get into the building and, I presumed, rob me silly. I managed to get between the two entry doors to my building, put my back against the second door and smash the first door closed on the gangbangers, smashing one of their hands in the process. When the police came after I dialed 911, they told me these kids didn't want to rob me, they probably just wanted to "get onto my roof". That's what the NYPD told me! At the very moment they told me this, another guy walks by and says he was robbed by a gang of 5 guys at the entry of his building, and he described them to the police as I just had. So I ask the officer, "You still really think they were just trying to get to my roof?" And the officer says, non-chalant, "When they couldn't get onto your roof, they decided to go do something else."

Another time I called the NYPD after getting beaten in the West Village. When the cops arrived, they said no arrests could be made--no report filed, because my injuries would have had to have been much more serious. "We're talking lying unconscious in the street," one of them told me.

When there is no arrest made, when there is no report filed...there was no attempted robbery, there was no beating. No "incident" means it did not happen. Which means that NYC is so safe. Which means more tourists. Which means more happy re-elected mayor, more dollars.

But heaven help you if you do a cartwheel in Grand Central Station!

They let me out of jail at around 3:30 in the morning. I had two summons for disorderly conduct and a piece of paper saying I needed hospital treatment but refused. I learn later that my friend Stace was told by the cops to "get lost, or you're going in too" when he saw them take me down.

Once I'm out, I'm hysterically on the phone to Bam. There are cuts to my face, bruising on both sides of my head, ears, and wrist, and though I'm sure there must be good cops out there, the men who tackled and beat me down are the worst kind of thugs.

I can't help but think what they did to me was illegal. That maybe I still retain rights against such excessive force? And that every inch of Grand Central Station is covered by surveillance cameras.