Thursday, October 16, 2008

Are all hotel rooms Christian?

Last night was so unusually insane. So unusually insane that I can't tell you about it til January! That's because I had to sign a confidentiality agreement. Can you believe it? Confidentiality? It's so antithetical to my belief system.

Speaking of belief systems, I can tell you this:

Last night I threw a bible onto a midtown street, from seven stories up. Minutes later: bang, bang, bang! at the hotel room door. Hotel security stood...with a bible in their hands. And they were furious! I denied it up, down and sideways. A bible thrown to the street? Blasphemy! But old Sherlock said he saw me smoking out the window. And I don't even smoke!

Reluctantly, I took back the battered bible. He left in a huffing rage, and I called out after him: "Next time put a bible from the church of the flying spaghetti monster in my room!"

Seriously, who are these Gideon people? More seriously, who allows them to go around putting Christian bibles into secular hotel rooms? Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of fiction...but shouldn't there be a Qur'an on my night stand, too. Also a book of Mormon, and noodly pages from the church of the flying spaghetti monster? Let's be fair!

It is enraging, really. It makes me, I don't know, want to throw bibles out onto the street.

8 comments:

Margot Leadbetter said...

You were giving a blow job to preacher Joel Osteen in his suite at The Marriott Marquis. He made you sign a confidentiality agreement, swearing on the bible. Then when it came time to pay he haggled you down on price (as he always does). After he left, in frustration you threw the bible out the window.

It landed on a passing Jewish man, rebounded off his head into the face of a Muslim taxi-driver grabbing a falafel.

Now we have riots on the West Bank, troop manoeuvres in Iran, and Joel Osteen is refusing to pay your Mini Bar bill because you didn't swallow.

Mark in DE said...

I totally agree. In fact, the next time I check into a hotel I'm going to ask the front desk clerk to have someone remove any and all religious material from my room while I wait in the lobby, since the very sight of it will be offensive to my non-religion.

Mark :-)

Jesse Archer said...

It was actually preacher Ted Haggart who I was blowing, not Joel (this tiem). And he paid me dearly!

It was him who threw the bible at me.
I merely ducked.

TONY said...

What if some billionaire financed the distribution to every hotel room one or all of the following books:

The Bible, Christianity, & Homosexuality, Justin R. Cannon which states on its cover:
"There is no word in biblical Greek or Hebrew that is equivalent to the English word homosexual. The word was coined only about 100 years ago and first appeared in the Bible in the 1946 Revised Standard Version."
AND/OR
The Joy of Gay Sex, Revised & Expanded Third Edition by Charles Silverstein and Felice Picano
AND/OR
You Can Run, by Jesse Archer

Anonymous said...

dear ones -

in non-smoking hotel rooms the bible makes a handy ashtray . . .

mich

smemory@yahoo.com said...

oh Jesse,,, at a workshop at CMEN west coast gathering,,, it was how gay's are depicted in the bible,,, Well,, they asked me to speak first.. When I told them I did not believe that God wrote the Bible through man or Jesus.... I thougth that they were expecting lightening to hit me and strike me dead at that moment.... now... remember,,, this class wall all gay nudist!

Edina Monsoon said...

Slightly off point, do you know what is the most disgusting, bacteria-infested thing you will find in a hotel room?

Most people assume it is the blanket on the bed. Actually, it is the TV remote control. Sperm, faecal matter. You name it, it's on it.

Jesse Archer said...

Tony, I like that suggestion! Now where's the billionaire?

Mich, way to put a little fire and brimstone into the book of revelation.

Stephen, what if gay nudists wrote the bible?

Edina, yuck! But I have to say those tv remotes are nothing compared to my keyboard.