Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Mr. Gay Philadelphia

Mr. Gay Philadelphia was off the hook!

First off, they teamed Philly drag doll Brittany Lynn with fantastic host Frank DeCaro.

And then assembled the gayest panel of judges imaginable:

Village Voice columnist Michael Musto, adorable actor David Moretti of Here!'s the Lair, Project Runway designer Jack Mackenroth and his pal, 1984 swimming swimming gold medalist and out athlete Bruce Hayes, my friend Dr. Frank Spinelli (buy his book!), PGN's Mark Seagal, and me.

The event put us up at a fantastic little boutique hotel, the Independent. From my window, I could spot two big gay discos: Woody's and Pure.

Talk about spitting, um, stumbling distance!

Below: Dr. Frank, Jack, David, moi, Bruce. Curiously absent: Michael Musto. For more of our antics, (including Musto's signature flip flop and sock routine), and the contest itself, check out my friend HughE's blog Philly Chit Chat!

I was glad to see all the great diversity on hand in the contestants. We rated them from 1 to 10 for swimwear, evening wear, and personality. Believe it or not, I was the nice judge. I was the Paula. One guy came out in his swimwear, pulling a big wad of toilet out of his speedo, and although he didn't have the best body of the bunch, I gave him "10"...for personality!

I look over at Jack and he's giving him a "2". "I'm glad you're not judging me!" I tell him, and Jack just says, "I'm not being mean, I'm being honest!"

As judges, we got to ask one question. Mine was: "If you could be one classic hollywood actress, who would you be, and why?" The contestant who got this question answered, "Vanessa Williams!!!"

WHAT?! Scratch. No points. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest.

At intermission there was some major sucking up going on. We judges were swarmed, and I'm like, "Boys, I hope you brought your knee pads, because the final challenge is in the back alley!"

In the end, we crowned JOHN. He was excellent in the back alley.

Kidding! John was sweet and hot, had a cheering section of fans (with signs!) and a sister who came up crying her head off she was so thrilled. We chose the right winner. Congratulations!!!

The contestants.

After the contest, we hit up Bar on Tamac, where I attempted to do a hand stand against a tree. I planted my hands, flung my legs in the air, and guess what? I missed the tree! Landed flat on my back. Glad I wasn't being judged. I scored zero for the talent portion of the pageant.

Later, we all went dancing out on the town. I even sang Annie's "Tomorrow" on top of a piano. Not a solo, phew! Magically, I didn't get kicked out of anywhere, but did wake up (thank god that hotel was close) with bruises, blood on my elbow, and a big kiss of ruby red lipstick on my chest.

I heart Philadelphia!

I had an 8 am train Saturday to Fire Island --- for a Playgirl photo shoot. It was worth the early alarm. We were put up in the labyrinthine "guest house for men" palace the Belvedere.

I went out Saturday in the Pines, and after slogging back through the meat rack at 4 am, guess who I found humping outside my bedroom door? Two hard, naked Playgirl models!

Can you guess which ones?


Dtown~S said...

The two on the far right?

Jesse Archer said...

...neither of those two...


Oh that's who I was going to guess, because the guy on the far right is hard. Hmm I guess the two standing in the back on the left. Also when will your pictorial be, can we get you back to Philly for an autograph session. I can send Playgirl a nice shot of you in a sling.

I will send you a few shots from Friday tonight.

Danny said...

An employee at the very establishment, no less!

Mark in DE said...

Aw, had I known you were going to be in Philly I'd have baked a cake! Or, driven the 2 hours to get there.

Sounds like you guys had a gay ol' time!

Mark :-)

Jesse Archer said...

Aww, shucks Mark, I should've warned you!

Ding, Ding, Ding! Philly Chit Chat wins...

The guy far right was only hard because he had just finished his photo shoot.

Anonymous said...

humping outside your door . . . did you jump in that pile?


landis smithers said...

i'm guessing the 2xist underwear had nothing to do with the guess.

one thought:
contestant photo too small.
blog lacking winner's swimsuit/backstage half naked and changing photo.

ok, that was two thoughts, but what the hell. i'm feeling judgemental today.

Jesse Archer said...


It's okay, I get judgmental, too, but I tend to spell it correctly ;)

I know, dear, sorry about the lack of backstage fotos. I was bombed at the time. Also, my camera battery dies at the most inappropriate of times. Sorry!

Lee said...

Jesse - I totally called the two guys standing on the left

And darling I would totally crown you Mr. Gay Lower East Side.

Back from ATL will tell you all about the baby that will destroy all!

yet another black guy said...

the guy on the far left has done gay porn for Randy Blue. really i thought all Playgirl models were at least bi. hmph, guess i missed that one

Martyn said...

Doug and Paul. The two on the far left...I was asleep in my luxury suite upstairs and all I could hear all night was their huffing and puffing. Not that I should be complaining when the Rancid Queens in the suite next door (who were incidently also Austrlians)complained about me falling down drunk outside my bedroom door at 3 in the morning and crying all night...they got a free night because of me!