Friday, July 25, 2008

You're not one of those ageist fags....

...but after seeing Linda Evangelista outside Madison Square Garden, you realize George Michael is not the only one who's older. You, in fact, may be the youngest person at his concert, and although you think he is AMAZING, the look of his audience gives you the impression that George Michael might be this generation's Neil Diamond.

In an attempt to feel younger, you call Crazy Dan and head to Urge for the second wednesday in a row which, sadly, makes you feel older than musty Sweet Caroline because for the second week in a row you outright refuse to compete in the ass contest. Even drunk you won't do it, even when the winning ass turns out to be female.

After that fluke, you and Crazy Dan move your shameful asses to Eastern Bloc where you meet a pair of Doublemint Twinks. The four of you head to the Phoenix and after that, and although it's only 3 in the morning, you resist going back to Crazy's place to do cocaine with the Doublemint Twinks because you're (get this) too tired.

You try not to think about the fact that you never used to be too tired to stay up past 3 am (with or without narcotic assistance) or the fact that Crazy Dan is actually far older than you, but when you wake up at 11 am and give Crazy Dan a call, you discover he hasn't gone to bed! Crazy Dan answers the phone and tells you that after the cocaine, the Doublemint Twinks lured him back to their house and busted out a stash of adderall which they crushed and snorted til sun-up. Crazy Dan is now wandering new york city very focused, not at all hungry, and with no intention of going to bed anytime soon.

Curiously, you suddenly feel much, much older than you previously thought because for the first time in your life you are actually glad you went home early. Anyway...


Steven said...

OMG! Linda!

That's like seeing Queen B (just to get all Gossip Girl for a second) amongst the commoners!

You said...

Funny, I thought I went home after the George Michael concert?! Must've blacked the rest of this out... Obviously I'm even older than you, but let's just call it thirtysomething.

Anonymous said...


Thank you for sharing your day-to-day adventures with us. Those of us, like me, who feel trapped in our 9 to 5 jobs live vicariously through you. You have provided me with some much needed distractions many times. P.S. Steven is Hot!

Your friend Jimmy

Jesse Archer said...

Steven, Linda was super-striking. Arresting, really.

Jimmy, I love you too! And maybe Steven is single?

Mark in DE said...

Perhaps 'older' really DOES mean 'wiser'. You're obviously old and wise enough to know that all those drugs are dangerous.

For a moment I wondered if YOU was guest-blogging here! As they say, "Immitation is the truest form of flattery".

Mark :-)

Lucky Pierre said...

Jesse, I'm so confused. Who wrote this entry, you or YOU?

Tony said...

Hey Jesse -

Yeah, as Mark points out, it wasn't age and fatigue that made you decide to go home at 3AM the other day.
It was wisdom and maturity.
At least that's what I call it when I go home before the party's over.
And, you can think of it as setting a good example for the rest of us, even though Crazy Dan and the Doublemint Twinks didn't seem to notice. :)

Dtown~S said...

Linda grew up down the street from me in my hometown of St. Catharines. Even at a really young age, staring at my sister's Cosmopolitan cutouts of her, I understood the power she possessed...who else in the world has a small yet fierce nose like hers?

Edina Monsoon said...

When George Michael came out, out went his talent too. I loved his days of Wham and Praying For Time etc. But Older and the later stuff. Nah.

Perhaps I'm just a juiced up old PR Slag.



Jesse Archer said...


It's me imitating him pretending to be you. :)

I couldn't resist!

jpfreeman said...

fuck all this wisdom and maturity bullshit. don't let the party end! keeping up with you has put me in rehab two times and left a Minnesota-sized hole inside my septum but have I ever complained? NO!

Now you just want to punk out and leave all the glitter and narcotics behind because the 90s are over, Queer as Folk got canceled (thank god), circuit's dead and, if we keep it up, we will be too. That is so selfish of you, and so typical. I don't care how old you are, we have a pact and I expect moderately sized coke straws prepared and ready for my next visit--but dollar bills will be ok if you don't have any straws.

landis smithers said...

i hear you. i feel you.

and i'm proud of you.

(perspective is not age. it is wisdom.)