Monday, July 07, 2008

Survivor Weekend 2008

There's only one rule to Survivor Weekend: no sleeping in a bed. Anything else on a bed is fine.

Each year, a group of friends goes out to Fire Island and crash on the beach. Even if you're offered a bed, the whole point is to crash on the beach in solidarity with your friends.

We kinda broke the rule this year. On a technicality....but we still survived. Barely!

We go out there together because there are no options on Fire Island Pines. You have to be in a share with a gazillion rules about no house guests, certainly not two guests in the same moon cycle, have to dish out $400/night to get a room at a cinderblock dump they refer to as a hotel.

So we take one little bag, and head out knowing one thing for sure--at the end of the night it ain't gonna be pretty!

Surprisingly, the guys on Fire Island are always super accommodating. They let us into parties, feed us at BBQ's, offer showers, ply us with alcohol, and this year we got a tip about a secret abandoned, derelict house that we could try to crash in. Someone drew me a map, and I found it late that night--with a tree through it-- all very Hansel & Gretel.

I woke up very itchy (I'm still itchy) laying next to mouse poop.

Then, following a whore's bath in the ocean, we did it all again: Party. BBQ. Dancing. I was actually so jittery from lack of sleep and proper nutrition, that on the third day, I had to hold my drinks with two hands.

Then, as you may know, the only way to get around on Fire Island is to walk. And my flip flops broke. The flip went through my flop!

I only had one pair of footwear, and nails on the boardwalk hurt. I had to improvise something so the flop wouldn't keep pulling through.

My first big idea was to use bobby pins, so I asked every last queen for a spare bobby pin. They all claimed not to have one. Sister, please!

I ended up improvising with drinking straws. I tied them around all gay MacGyver, and voila. Flip Flops...fixed!

You may think I just underwent cataract surgery. This is not true. When my grandpa died, all I got was his pair of blueblocker sunglasses, so I decided to rock them this summer!!

Except they aren't actually the Blueblocker brand. They are knock-off "Solar Shields" because grandpa was cheap. (I got it from somewhere)! In fact, one of my favorite moments from the weekend was at a party where I was mulling the totally improbable idea of giving in and actually paying for a timeshare for myself next year because, as I told one of the housemates:

"I'm just sick of being always being the mooching friend."

"So are we," he deadpanned.

Ok, who are these people?

Someone at the Christmas in July party (with DJ Lina, love!) asked:

"How is Survivor Weekend going?"
"Just look at me," I said. "Yeah---," he goes, "Put a fork in you and turn you over!"
I was done.

I was the first one in the pool. By like an hour.

There is one thing more frightening than survivors, surviving. That is the danger of new media!

The sight of any camera on Fire Island brings the not irrational fear that it could be one of the anonymous bloggers Pines Punch or GOOL, capturing you at your most fragile. Even worse, someone might soon be tagging you on facebook!

So I'll just put all the blackmail out there right now.

Anita Flagpole by the Sea

Anita Flagpole made it out as the star spangled sequin "Majorette." It was the 4th of July, but when the Star Spangled Banner came on, and people started singing it, Anita looked around and asked me if it was the new Donna Summer single.

Anita abandoned this whole jamboree of an outfit in the meat rack in the middle of the night! Can you imagine finding these red, white and blue sparkles in the meat rack? Picture the delight of the beachcomber who finds the majorette outfit! Anita had to take it all off because she kept scratching people with her elbow gloves.

Let it be known: Sequins are an unforgiving fabric, not conducive to sucking cock!

In a signature Revolutionary outfit, Edie Beale was spotted summering in the Pines.

On the last night of squattingt, apparently I was "fidgeting," which forced Bam Bam to take our "blanket" (a beach towel) and retreat. I found him there in the morning, a hot mess, on the broken roof! When he woke up, he berated me for keeping him up with all my "fidgeting".

I wanted to tell him....but I had no voice. Totally gone! What I wanted to tell Bam Bam was that it wasn't me "fidgeting". It was my death rattle!

Check out the train home:

I ended up losing the flip flops (in the meat rack, I think? A companion to the majorettes?) and found this pair of little green shoes in the Hansel & Gretel house. They didn't fit.

Survivor Weekend sponsored (in part, and among others) by the fine fellows at:

296 Holly,
853 (or was that 583?) Sea View,
137 Beach Hill,
and of course the boys at Reflections House who put on another knockout IndepenDANCE!

I'm now going to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me. Anyone tempted to go with us next year?


Mike said...

You are like the most fun gay guy i've ever wanted to know!

Joe Moore said...

I love it! Way to go MacGayver! Good job with those shoes. Although I am also an adventerous soul, I'm not sure I'd be able to contend with an entire weekend of sleeping next to mouse poop and bathing in the ocean. Maybe I'm a little too modernized for that, but I love me some Herbal Essence. :-)

Tony said...

Interesting advice about sequins - not that I'll ever need it - but will your comment be a blow to the sequins industry?
I like camping out as much as anyone, but based on that last snapshot, I'm not sure I'd be up for doing it on Fire Island.
Glad you survived, though.

Mark in DE said...

This sounds like one of those decisions to be filed under "It worked better as an idea than a reality". But I applaud your Gay McGuyver ingenuity!

Mark :-)

jpfreeman said...

no, i'm not tempted at all. however, i'll likely be living in NY at that time, so i'll visit for sure. once the crawling under boardwalks for bedtime comes, however, i'll be making my leave.

Rebekka said...

Jesse, that is one thing i don't miss about NYC - the survivor weekend! How horrible. Although it's very fond memories, esp. the folks and their darling guests at Reflections, my saviors.

The Blackout Blog said...

Amazing! If I didn't have like 20 hours of vacation time for the year, I'd definitely drag my grad school friends that have nothing better to do along for one of these.

They'll let me take my Sealy Posturepedic on the ferry, right?
D. Kareem

Michael Coates said...


We'll both have broken flops next year.

Anonymous said...

i like the shoes you went home in - but the real glamour for the weekend appears to be those stylish shades. not only is it impossible to tell if your eyes are bloodshot - or whether you're even awake - you're protecting your eyes from all kinds of bad things down the road.

where can i get a pair?

Anonymous said...

How is your i.v of water dripping? :)

PS: I really think you could start a trend for troll shoes...very chic

Jesse Archer said...

Those little green shoes didn't even make it into my apartment. I kicked em off on the way in!

As for the blu blockers, anonymous, try getting a cheap pair here:

xoxo jesse

Sancho said...

I went to Fire Island for the first time this year (Pride Weekend no less), and I have to say... simply amazing! I'm hoping to go again before this summer season is out, but it really is ridiculously expensive!

If I'm still poor and living in NYC, I'd love to go for some Survivor Weekend! Sounds (and looks) like a fun adventure =)