Monday, July 28, 2008

Get Real

I'm up in Provincetown, Massachusetts. On Cape Cod. It's a well known artists enclave filled with an eclectic mix of gays, lesbians, straights, and shows featuring every last drag queen on the eastern seabord. It's vacation: calm, relaxed, easy like sunday morning. Or so you'd think!

This ain't bohemia. Does bohemia exist in America anymore? I was here in Ptown last year, and maybe I was just too drunk to see all the nitpicky regulations ("massachusetts law does not permit ordering more than 2 drinks at a time"), persnickety regulations (everything closes at 1am), or the fact that those who summer here are really uptight (warning: anyone who uses summer as a verb is uptight). My friend Daniel laments, "You can sharpen pencils in their assholes here." Shame.

I drove up with the crew from Playgirl to do a shoot. We checked into the Boatslip late at night. The check-in clerk told us to park around the corner. Then we walked around town. Coming back at 1am (because everything closes at 1am), we saw some queen had written a nasty note on the van, saying we had parked on his private (gravel lot) property.

The hotel clerk ran outside to tell us we had to move right away because the old queen had called reception 4 times (at 1 in the morning!) to tell him we parked on his property. As if it couldn't wait til morning. As if his great aunt (menstrual) Flo was rolling in overnight.

The next day, we go to a shoot at a house which is up a long driveway. We drive up the long driveway, and park aimed at the house. There's no way to turn around, but down a few meters is the driveway to another home. We're told that when we leave, we must back up the entire length of the driveway. We are not allowed to use the neighbor's driveway to turn around.

At the shoot, we're warned again not to turn around in the neighbor's driveway. "The neighbor hates it," says the owner. "There were 14 lawyers involved at one point." The neighbor is up in arms about strangers using his driveway to do a two-point turnaround, taking about 5 seconds. The neighbor is an "A-lister," we're told. Yeah, A-list twat.

We're now staying at a home we rented on the east side. It's got charm and character. It makes you feel like painting seascapes. One of the Playgirl models came over for his shoot with a dog. We asked the owners if we could tie up the dog in the backyard for a couple hours. "Oh no," we weren't allowed to put a dog in the yard. "If the dog peed," they said. "We'd have to re-patch the lawn...and you'd lose a considerable amount of your deposit." Re-patch the lawn?

Why is it that the more privileged people are, the more petty they become? It's like they are incapable of chilling out. I want to give these people $50, a knapsack, and a one-way ticket to Cochabamba, Bolivia. If they somehow make it back to Cape Cod, I'd love to see them re-patch the lawn.

So much for refreshing artists.


Tony said...

Yeah, either that or Darfur. They can take their Rolexes and pearls, but not their cell phones.
That should do the trick.

You said...

I had a neighbor in Pacific Palisades who slashed my guest's tires because she parked in front of the house -- on a public street no less!

People are insane!

Have fun and be sure to ruin some fancy sod in P-P-Town!

Dtown~S said...

Oh man! Thanks so much for this post, it made me feel better about my neck of the woods.

Growing up I had a neighbour who would water his lawn 3 times a day. If any children ran over his hose (that crossed the sidewalk) with their bicycles, he'd spray them with water! "Go around!" he'd shout. What a petty old man.

Lucky Pierre said...

Oy, I was on the Vineyard last week and took the ferry over to visit P-Town one afternoon. I'd forgotten about all the "Don't even think about it" rules. Was so glad to get back to SF where there are absolutely no restrictions on anything!

Anonymous said...

Oh,,my other half and I have a pretigious design firm in Scottsdale, Az... talk about anal,,most of theses wealthy people are much worse,,,, you would also have to clean the driveway if your vehicle left a spot..

stephen m.

Mark in DE said...

Yeah, it does seem like some people are incapable of just relaxing. How could it possibly hurt someone to allow people to turn around in their driveway?

Try and have fun despite the uptight locals.

Mark :-)

Michael C said...

Love ya for this post! I spend half my week fighting with pseudo-Hippies who want to raze forests to build 'eco-friendly healing resorts.' Bohemia is in rough shape.
(and I just dropped D__ and his mom off on the Superferry, they are on their way to Maui, and I was inspired to come here & check up on your blog)