Saturday, June 28, 2008

My First Diet

For my gay pride costume this year, my very gifted friend Harrison concocted an amazing coat-tail thing reminiscent of Uncle Sam. Well, if Uncle Sam was a flashy Russian hooker.

Thing is, the coattails are attached to this teensy weensy corset thing, which is really tight, and when I went to try it on....I could barely squeeze into it. I was literally busting out of this corset. Clearly, my metabolism is bugging out. That, or the corset is just too small. Although when I suggested this, Harrison looked at me and smirked, "It's a large."

For the first time in my life, I thought: I need to go on a diet.

Cooldan is not at his skinniest, either, and since we march nearly naked down 5th avenue, we resolved last week to go on a starvation diet. At first we pondered the "Beyonce" cleanse, which is a liquid mix of maple syrup and cayenne pepper, among other things. But...maple syrup ain't Mrs. Butterworth, that shit is expensive! Plus, Beyonce still has big thighs. And that recipe is way too complicated. My cooking skills don't far exceed microwaveable popcorn.

Ultimately, Cooldan and I decided on a modified Beyonce cleanse. Something we could easily access, and cheaply. Our answer: the baby carrots and campbells soup diet. I have never been on a diet in all my life. And now I understand why.

It's only been a week, and guess what? I'm cranky. I'm irritable. And I think about food all the time! I now understand why people who go on diets are always FAT.

I've slipped up with potato chips, red velvet cake, and nightly vodka cocktails. My friend Mich invited me to lunch, where I pigged out on anything that wasn't baby carrots and soup.

Cooldan has had less trouble, because he's got an additional weapon in his arsenal: water. He's been carrying around a jug of water and when he feels hungry and doesn't want a baby carrot or soup, he chugs water. Even at night, before he goes to bed, he's drinking water. His rationale? "Babies are onto something---they suck liquid all day." Yeah, but babies grow. And what about watery-tension? "We'll get laxatives, tonight, at Duane Reade!"

And what if that doesn't work?

"We're shaving our entire bodies," says Cooldan. "We always look skinnier without hair!"

Thankfully it will all be over tomorrow because after that I will never have baby carrots or soup again! And if I still look fat in my coat-tails after a week of my modified Beyonce diet, I may have to just modify that corset instead. I'm bringing scissors.


Steven said...

Do what I do: Starve.

The pounds melt away.

Works every time.

My book is already a best-seller.

Anonymous said...


I understand your desire to drop weight for the parade. However, I hope you are not going to lose your muscular biceps and forearms. Perhaps this week you can start downing egg whites after your workouts.

Your friend Jimmy

Anonymous said...

Wow ... I hope all this is a joke. It's sad. Just be happy with what you look like. That's part of what Pride is about. Or at least it should be. Gay men, I've learned, are often the equivalent of high-school girls. And yes, I include myself. But I'm trying to get beyond that. So I carry a little extra weight. Big deal. I've got a great job, a wonderful partner and fantastic friends. Be you. And be happy with it.

Mark in DE said...

LOL - one of your most entertaining posts!

Mark :-)