Saturday, June 21, 2008

Brooklyn on the Brink

Lastnight my friend Matthew had his birthday party at Sugarland in Brooklyn. I almost didn't go because Brooklyn at night on the always unreliable L train is never a treat. On top of that, it was pouring down rain. But Matthew talked me into it.

First of all, it was FREE. He also said I wouldn't want to miss the "performers" because one of them (Rose Wood) is famous for pulling things out of her vagina on stage. Seeing as I haven't seen a vagina (let alone things pulled, pushed, or flying out of one) since a Patpong Pussy Show back in 2003, I decided to brave the rain and the L train. He had me at vagina.

I got to Sugarland, a place which seems to get better and better as the hour gets later and later (or maybe that's me getting drunker and drunker?), and kept asking about the birthday show:

"What is she going to pull out of her vagina?"

"You're fixated on the vagina," said Matthew.

Of course I am fixated on the vagina. "So what is she pulling out of it?"

Matthew then tells me Rose Wood is not really a woman. So she's a drag queen?

She's not a drag queen either, he says. She's a "drag queen plus."

But...so...does she have a vagina?

Promoter Daniel Nardicio gets on the microphone to announce the show. First up is Ginger, and then Rose Wood. "One is old-school," he announces, "And the other is no school!"

Sure enough, no school Rose Wood got up on top of the pool table looking like Madmax meets Hedwig meets Dina Lohan and started swaggering about, swigging from a huge bottle of Jack Daniels, and this guy next to me is like: "This whore needs a TIP!" so he gets out a five dollar bill, approaches the pool table, and waves it in front of her.

Rose Wood has these pointy toe lace up Tim Burton-y booties on, and she puts one of em on the guy's chest and snarls, "Get the fuck away from me."

He runs back to me all scared. "She doesn't accept tips..."

Rose Wood capers about some more on the pool table, taking off these little pieces of fur to reveal breasts and a penis and I'm not sure what was real and what wasn't. All I do know is I wanted my camera.

Then she bends over, squats over the giant sized half-full Jack Daniels bottle, and pushes the neck of it up inside of her anus. Then she slowly stands, lifting the huge half-full bottle entirely...with her sphincter!

Amazing! Someone screamed "I love New York!" (Me, too!) But Rose Wood is not quite done.

She slowly pulled the open bottle of Jack out of her butt... and took a long, hearty swig!

Then she spit it out all over the audience. Being in the front row, it spewed all over my face.

I fear I may develop a hemorrhoid in my eye.

9 comments:

Anastasia Beaverhausen said...

You were Shit-Faced.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jesse, I am not so sure about that Sugarland "vagina" show you described. God, I hope you were able to quickly flush that early-formed hemorrhoid out of your eye? I actually trained to be an ophthalmologist at one time. I recall very little about the technical treatment procedures for removal of ocular hororrhoids.

I may be attending the Patpong pussy show one week from tonight. I trust it will of of higher caliber than the home-grown variety? We shall be staying at the Tarnatawan only a stone's throw from there. movienut.

Anonymous said...

OMG!..... hope you ran to the bathroom and washed your face!

stephen m.

Jesse Archer said...

Anastasia---ha! Literally.

Movienut, hope you have a blast in Pattaya, and congrats on 34 years together!

stephen, a strong astringent keeps the hemorrhoids away!

xoxo
Jesse

Steven said...

Remind me to never RSVP to this event. Ever.

jpfreeman said...

gross.

Dtown~S said...

Nasty! Let's hope that JD killed the hem germs!

Nice to hear such stories though, reminds of me what I am missing here in suburban Toronto...g*d damn!

You said...

Oddly, I find myself a bit thirsty.

landis smithers said...

the glamour is overwhelming.

one is speechless with disgust.

and admiration.

and disgust.

i wish you had a camera, too.