Thursday, May 22, 2008

New York Shitty

I got a new landlord two years ago, when she promptly upped my rent by $225 per month!

And the best thing is, she thought she was giving me a deal. I live on Avenue D. Avenue D, which they used to call D for Death. I only live here to get a break on rent. Brooklyn gets to midtown faster, I'm surrounded by housing projects (and have had more than one harrowing encounter with their residents), and the nearest subway is a fifteen minute walk....if you walk really fast.

Otherwise you can take the bus which is actually slower than walking, especially with all the wheelchairs which magically appear from within the vast housing projects. "beep, beep, beep" goes the wheelchair lift, and you instantly think: "Where is this wheelchair person going? And why don't they have their own bus to go there?" Because the bus driver not only has to slowly hoist them onto the bus, he has to get out of his seat and strap them in.

If you're really late to wherever you're going--there's sure to be 2 wheelchairs, and the whole agonizingly slow process will be repeated four times because inevitably wheelchair people get off only two stops after they get on. It's like, you have wheels. Wheel!

Yes, New York City is perhaps the only place where you can start to hate the handicapped.

But back to my landlord. For the bargain price of $225 extra I pay per month, she put a fresh coat of paint inside the building and installed a little marble slab outside the front door. The lap of ghetto luxury!

I get a call from her this week because it's lease-renewal time and she "wants to work with me" because she "really likes me as a tenant." Her name is Rupa, and she's Indian, and she says these things in her chirpy Indian affected lilt. She sounds happy and glowing in the way that shifty people glow whilst they're fucking you over, because what Rupa ultimately has to say is that she plans to jack my rent up another $350. Per month. On Avenue D.

I'm sorry, is a Fort Lauderdale time-share included?

What constitutes that kind of increase? I'd really like to know, especially since the manhattan market is stalled. Do her grandiose plans include replacing the marble slab with a golden one?

It's a 25% increase; a 50% increase since she took over two years ago. This she somehow thinks is reasonable, acceptable even, but it's not. It's criminal, only you can't prosecute. I called 311, and all you can do is move out. Which of course I will.

But I'm not playing nice. I'm not going to put on her fake smile. I've got a mind to put a venal hindu hex on her chicken tiki masala. The handicapped I'm suddenly fine with; it's the Indians I'm hating today. Her greed is legendary.

I shall never forget it.


Tony said...

Hey Jesse -

Too bad about the extortion (oops, rent).
A friend is moving to NYC in the fall. I'll definitely tell him to stay away from Rupa. Thanks for the warning.

Mark in DE said...

Gouging should be illegal and punishable by jail time. Whether its the oil companies gouging the public while making record profits, or landlords jacking up rents by 25 and 50 % in one fell swoop - its immoral and should be illegal.

Once you've moved out and cashed your security deposit refund, you should send Rupa a scathing letter about how her greed has made her a person you simply can not tolerate, and THAT'S why you moved.

Mark :-)

Sancho said...

Is it because I'm moving soon that I've heard all these apartment horror stories recently?! I'm moving to NYC this summer (finding an apartment, not fun!) and I'm terrified now because of all these stories from various folks.

As for the gouging, I agree with Mark above. I can't believe the blatant greed of some people in situations like this.

I hope things work out for you Jesse and you find a great new place with an even better landlord. =)

Anonymous said...

At my bus stop on 23rd street there are two types of people who need the wheelchair lift. The people who are so fat that they can't climb the few steps onto the bus, and the people who are even so fatter that they can't stand up and need wheelchairs.

Either the city starts to reduce welfare checks for each excess pound, or the fatso's will bring New York to its knees.

Anonymous said...


I understand your venting and - a pox on your landlady. However, despite it all, New York is, for all the right reasons, your adopted home. At least you can live a full life in New York without owning a car. Try that in L.A. Instead of cursing the handicapped, you would be cursing the hours stuck in Los Angeles gridlock and $4 a gallon gas. Our mass transit system is one of the best in the world, as is our water supply, economy and degree of opportunity. If you lived in other cities you would be cursing floods, landslides, earthquakes, droughts, riots, etc.
Besides, New York is not only Jesse Archer's adopted home, it is also the birthplace of your beloved character Luke.

Keep the Faith, your friend Jimmy

Audrey said...

LAME. What is wrong with people? Isn't there any rent control? That's a nice thing about LA. The "historic" buildings (my word - not theirs - anything built before 1978) are controlled. Maybe you don't have enough historic buildings in NYC.

I hope you find a better place and a reasonable landlord. AND that she chokes on her chicken tikka while lamenting how she can't find another renter.

I'm chanting for you.

Audrey said...

Why are you censoring comments?

You said...

Be sure to tell Rupa, "C U Next Tuesday!" as you hit the street. Meanwhile, I do feel for you and your housing dilemma. I can offer you a tip though. I know a certain Hobosexual who will be needing a roommate in a month's time... Or you can just move to Queens with me. Ha!

Okay, I'm still DYING over your wheelchair rant. I think it's the funniest thing of yours I've ever read! Does the fact that I found this funny mean I'm going to hell? At least I know you'll be there with me and we'll both be in wheelchairs.

Elusha De Luxe said...

Audrey, I have the same question.

Even Rocco's appalling "I Probably Hate You" blog allows unfiltered comments.

Perhaps Jesse's target audience is the residents of Shady Pines nursing home.

J C said...

Your wheelchair comments are so politically incorrect...goodness. Actually, I used to be in charge of a bus system in a major city. My son took the bus to attend college. We had hired a market research firm to help us figure out how to get more riders. My son offered his advice free -- ya gotta get rid of the crazy people. Sure enough, I rode the next week and there was a woman having a very loud fight with the invisible person in the empty seat next to her -- until someone had the audacity to sit on the invisible person. Then all hell broke loose.

Elusha De Luxe said...

Before New York introdcuced wheelchair accessable buses, they carried out some research. It was determined that it would be cheaper to pay the cost of every disabled person in the 5 boroughs to travel by Cab.

Alas, disabled people couldn't be treated ""differently" (even if different meant better), so this nonsense with the buses was introduced.

Of course none of our esteemed city councillors or state representatives have to mix it up with the masses by travelling on the bus, so they don't care.

Elusha De Luxe said...

On second thoughts, maybe we don't have it so bad in NY. My friend moved to Tel Aviv 18 months ago, and travels everywhere by bus. At least a few times a week, someone gets on the bus wearing unusually heavy clothes for a warm day.

Fearing the clothes may be covering up a bomb, most of the passengers then get off the bus and have to wait for the next one to come.

Anonymous said...

hey jesse and mark in de-

considering the greed of rupa, i wouldn't count on her refunding any security deposit refund. maybe you should consider not paying the last month's rent?

good luck!

Jesse Archer said...

Hi all--thanks for your comments. YOU--I'm thrilled to hang out with you in hell. And Mark and anonymous- of course, my last month's rent will be my security deposit---that's a given. Along with a venomous note, of course!

Sandra said...

Oh my Jesse Pet - okay it's my sleepless night, so I picked this blog of yours, my ... I'm just so shocked by what you've shared here ... well I have more wanna say abot your sharing, but maybe not here, giggles, you know ... for the sake of all people's *well-being* (including people you don't like). That's our quality - WE CARE for REAL ... However, like you said some1 can pretend bein such a *pretty* liar when they smile at you this sec & the next sec they just do what they want in the expense of you, that's so not caring of our *well-being* coz it's all money-ruled world, so I'm with you, live for our PRIDE not being ruined by $$$ COZ our dignity is PRICELESS ya ... Then you would know I could never afford to buy you on FB or MS - coz for me Jesse is PRICELESS ... haha ...