Saturday, May 31, 2008

Domestic Disputes

I come home from Chicago and find Bam Bam looking sexy and suddenly body hair-free. I next discover that our bathroom sink is completely clogged. Now I'm no Hercules Poirot, but it doesn't take long for me to put the clues together and deduce that Bam Bam has manscaped himself right down the drain.

The confrontation:

Me: "Did you perchance wash your body hair down the sink?"

Bam:"Maybe just some pubes..."

(with a look of disbelief and disdain)"You clog the drain with pubes, and I have to brush my teeth in the kitchen. What are you going to do about it?"

Bam:"Nothing. What are you gonna do about it?"

J:"I'm gonna BLOG about it."

This hairy domestic dispute could be solved with a bottle of drano, but Bam Bam had better ideas. "If you blog about my pubes, I'm going to block you from your blog with a firewall!"

This gave me pause. I've often joked that one day I'm sure to be fired from my own blog (and I'm sure there are several in the blogosphere who would love to see that happen), and Bam Bam's threat could do the trick. Let's see if he's got the (hairless) balls to follow through.

Meanwhile, I continue to pester Bam Bam with utter shock and horror at his having manscaped into the sink, and he only answers that his behavior in a private bathroom is nothing compared to the havoc I perpetuate on the public streets of new york city.

To prove his point, Bam Bam produced blackmail iphone photos he took that night I tackled him along Fifth Avenue. And because I fully support photographic blackmail from blackouts, I present them here.

By the way, I still have a bump on my forehead from that night.

Rolling around on the filthy city sidewalk. With a smile on my face! And is that sperm on my sweater?

So quick bright things turn to confusion. Pitiful Pearl comes out to play.


avery said...

Reading this blog entry has made being dragged out of bed at 6 AM on a Sunday almost tolerable.

If Bam follows through with his threat to block you from your site, I guess you'll have to whip out the $50 lube, and make it up to him.

And I'd wash those jeans if I were you. I'm certain one of my puppies piddled on that square of sidewalk....

Anonymous said...

You are a perfect couple! Sounds like Bam wanted to look sexy for you when you got home and you look like you were having a great time with him the night of the bump on the head! Case solved... move on..


jpfreeman said...

i don't get it.

Mark in DE said...

Manscaping messes should be flushed down the toilet, NOT washed down the sink, for exactly the reason you have just experienced. Come on, Bam!

Mark :-)

You said...

Hasn't Bam heard? Hairy is the new Smooth!

Meanwhile, I do my head-to-toe manscaping in the shower, and then I vacuum it away because I would probably clog not only my drain, but Lower Manhattan in its entirety if I tried to drain it away.

My Hobosexual Roommate, however, chooses to manscape over the sink and doesn't bother draining or vacuuming... So you should consider yourself lucky.

Naijadude said...

I hope Bam didnt make it thru with his threat eh??
And is that really you on the street?? ooh nooo I swear I will never drink.....

Tony said...

And what was going on with those jeans anyway?
They look sort of um, lumpy ...
It's just the lighting that makes them look that way, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

Jesse, Hair, hair. My partner is not quite as furry as a gorilla (but almost). He gets me to de-furr him from time to time. I bought him a great instrument at B. B. and Beyond whereby he can shave his back quite easily without any input from me (I was not wild about the job). I tell him those hairy arms are what gets all the attention (even from female hookers). What about me? I am standing here too! (but no hair except on the scalp). Actually, since I am on the subject, what's with all these porn guys shaved (down there) until looking like a baby? Takes away all the natural, animalistic lust. No? movie nut