Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Dipstick Bungle

That's what I'm calling it. Switch a couple letters: It's a new television series premiering tomorrow. I've worked several times on this show, here's the scoop:

Dipstick Bungle follows three forty-ish career women in New York City. It's even based on a book by the same writer that created Carrie Bradshaw. This is what they do with "art": something is created so expertly, so successfully that the formula gets repeated over and over. It becomes so well watered down that soon you find you are watching a tired, trite, regurgitated facsimile of an original that actually had something to say.

And thus N B C has spent millions on Dipstick Jungle: hackneyed stepsister of SATC.

This new s eries stars none other than the luminous actress and woman who starred to great success in Pretty Baby, Blue Lagoon, and Calvin Klein Jeans. Today, she remains as luminous as ever. She's one of those stars that may worry people will assume she's a bitch, so she goes out of her way to be extra nice to all and sundry that surround her. She's an absolute dream.

Another actress is the blonde. She's not pretty, but pretty in a produced kind of way. She's the kind of woman you'd look at in passing and think--yea-she's pretty. But you wouldn't turn around to make sure. This lady's got a little upturned bump on the end of her nose that they're always fussing with the lights to make look flat, and she uses a body double for any sex scene where she's required to show more than a lower leg, and frankly she's not even very nice which is easily explained when you remember that she's only passingly pretty and not devastatingly, knock-you-out stunning like her co-star from the Blue Lagoon.

So I forgive her, mostly, for not making eye contact with PA's or AD's or stand-ins like me.

In the blonde's Dipstick Bungle storyline, she's cheating on her husband with a very hot young man (played by an actor who off-camera is an incredible wit and a gem of a gentleman) who would have absolutely no reason to want to be with this character because (as pointed out) she ain't that pretty, nor that young, and with everything he's got going for him, he's way out of her league.

Not only that, she's a complete bitch. She's married, so when she comes over to his apartment, she orders him around and makes up rules such as "if we see each other in public we do not know each other" and "no falling in love" and "no pet names" and if this doesn't send your mind racing back to the love tunnel at recess...she writes these rules on a chalkboard, just so they can remember.

After all this, the amateur scriptwriters have him and his rock hard bod begging for more of this middle-aged bossy mess of a semi-sorta pretty married woman. Then, they fuck. What's his motivation?? Oh yeah, he's actually in bed with a body double.

If the amateur plot isn't enough to make you want to tune in to this multi-million dollar bungle, consider the following dialogue and feel feel feel for the actors:

In one scene, blonde woman is at the apartment of her hot young lover man. He's massaging her feet and then suddenly (without any thanks -he is rubbing her feet, after all!) she decides she has to go, and barks:

"Give me back my feet!"

To which he responds:

"Not if you're going to use them to walk away from me."

If that banter isn't enough to invoke the gag reflex, then she gets up and goes to her bathroom because presumably before a woman leaves she must crimp her hair, or powder her nose, or maybe check to see the status of the little bump on the end of her nose. She's in there doing whatever it is, and he leans against the bathroom door to ask her:

"How long will you be gone?"

"Not long," she says, aloof, and he laments:

"Not long....Is still too long."

Yeah. Not long is still too long...for this show to air. And now to answer that burning question:

Yes, this was actually written before the writer's strike.


Steven said...

I am SO watching this show.

Dame Daxx said...

Maybe this show is the reason the writers went on strike.