Friday, February 29, 2008

Bad Behavior

You'd think I've reached the age where I stop getting kicked out of bars. Then again, they keep serving me.

At Sydney's Midnight Shift, a devastating remix of Belinda Carlisle's "Summer Rain" inspired several of my signature round-offs, with a one-armed cartwheel finale. I was forcibly ejected (you think I went willingly?) for "endangering the welfare of other patrons."

Next, I heave my drunken bones to Oxford Bar which is too jam-packed for any gymnastics, so you'd think they'd be safe. Wrong. I start talking to locals against a wall. I notice the wall is peeling, or at least it could be peeled off in large, luscious pieces. So I begin to peel away at it, because this task is infinitely more interesting than the conversation I'm having.

I find that I can chip off huge chunks, with lots of plaster coming off, too. For some reason, I cannot stop doing this. Larger and larger chunks of plaster are artistically peeled off and fall to the ground, shattering into a pile of debris.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot an angry barmaid heading my way. I stop my handiwork and attempt innocence, re-introducing myself into the nearby conversation.

Angry barmaid huffs by my side. "What do you think you're doing?"

Me: Nothing.
Maid: Yes, you were, I saw you ripping down the wall here (indicates pile of rubble).
Me: It wasn't put up very well, was it?
Maid: That's vandalism.
Me: (clutching pearls) Are you calling me a vandal?
Maid: You are a vandal.
Me: Oh my god, I love that word.

The vandal was quickly escorted off the premises. His whereabouts after that point are hazy.


Anonymous said...

U had a V 4 Vendetta!

Dame Daxx said...

"I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings."

JPFreeman said...

you're awesome.

avery said...

poor bambam, what he has to put up with...

it's a good thing you're so hot!