Friday, January 18, 2008

Hot dogs, red beans and pickles!

At dinner with my friend Audrey, I'm talking about my new script where a fag-hag realizes she's got to leave her gay boys in order to find a straight man. "That's me," she says, tearing up. And she wonders why I named the character Audrey. It's about a girl that is so bodacious, so outrageous, that no straight men can handle her.

But this Audrey's not about to leave her boys...

Quickly, the subject turns into the steamiest video on the web. Two girls, one cup is difficult to track down (it took me about twenty minutes) as it's so disgusting it's been removed from all decent sites. Most of my friends can't handle it after the first twelve seconds, but not Audrey.

She likes a good shock as much as she likes to give one. Take the following, for instance:

Once she got really drunk with her friends, whereupon they went around the dinner table (in public) and admitted to their ultimate bedroom fantasy---if they could do one thing in the bedroom for the rest of their lives (and one thing only)...what would it be?

Most of her gay boys just said.."I want to be loved" or "To be cuddled all night" and then they turned to her, "What about you Audrey?" At this point Audrey "allegedly" (she uses this word a lot). Audrey "allegedly" blurted out in public: "I want someone to... shit on my face!"

Lastnight I confronted her with this accusation, and Audrey says what she really meant was that she wanted a "hot lunch"-- which is where you put a plastic sandwich baggie into your mouth, lay down, and someone shits a steamy dump into it.

"To achieve a really steamy dump," Audrey carries on, "You've got to eat red beans, hot dogs and pickles."

"Why do you know this?" I ask her and Audrey just shrugs. Her insider tips have been cobbled together from so many gay fountains over so many years that by now it's all just one jumbled, indistinguishable source.

She is, of course kidding, but doesn't neglect to add.

"If you are giving me a hot lunch, don't forget the sandwich baggie....otherwise you're just shitting on my face."

5 comments:

Chad said...

Hahahaha! I love it and I love Audrey for her candor! So she wants a wet one? Make sure to post Two Girls One Finger for a different "harder" choice!!!! Options are always nice...

I have never laughed so hard when we saw that.

Anonymous said...

i don't know you! i came to this blog because i respected your writing for OUT. i have visited on and off for about a year. this post is horrible. please know that. there is no comedy, no poetry and, absolutely, no reason to have shared it. it was classless and uninteresting. due to its lack of creativity and CRUDE nature, i will never return to this blog again. good luck in whatever it is you are trying to do!

Bob said...

Now there's an image that was unnecessarily burned into my mind forever.

By the way, judging from the color of the contents of the cup, Miss Congeniality may need to have her liver functions checked.

Anonymous said...

I heard that it's actually chocolate mousse that's been injected up in there...but then again, it looks like well-digested hot dogs, red beans, and pickles.
Can Audrey please give us her professional opinion?

jamie said...

I was at the dinner where this alledgedly happened and I can correct one little point... Audrey actually screamed at the top of her lungs... "just shit in MY MOUTH... SHIT IN MY MOUTH...." no one ever accused audrey of being too lady-like for her own good...

Her fasination with hot lunches didnt come until much much later.... As someone who lived with her, believe me I know....