Friday, January 04, 2008

Pampering at Gurneys Inn

In Montauk, Bam Bam and I checked out "Gurney's Inn" which everyone talked about as being so fantastic. Outside, I read on a plaque that their overpriced "sea-water spa" was built by the "Father of the American Sea Spa" Nick Monte in 1979.

It says he drinks a glass of sea water daily, which I highly doubt because he's dead. Also on the plaque is Nick's manifesto which will really make you want to head on in for a day of beauty:

"I felt the magic of the sea, and built the spa to set it free"

Did Nick pen his witty little ditty in Iambic Pentameter? I enter the spa building and am faced with fifteen attendants behind a desk, and roaming herds of overweight women. Who set them free? Was it the sea?

They wander about, blubber contained beneath clean, minty-green bathrobes. On their feet are matching minty-fresh flip-flops. Their feet have recently been pampered with a sybaritic saltwater pedicure and a fresh coating of ruby red polish.

They talk quietly while parading their shiny red toes and all I can think is: lipstick on a pig.

At the counter, a mother checks in for a treatment. She's got her daughter there, about 3 years old, about to be trained on how to be the consummate consumer. The girls is running around and making a racket until the mother has had enough and turns around to scold her.

"Stop it, calm down. You're acting like a baby." The mother grabs the girl by the arm. "Babies don't get days of beauty!"

No they don't. Babies don't get days of beauty! Take a look around, girl, at your future.

4 comments:

Bob said...

They drink a glass of sea water a day? There really is a sucker born every minute.

Dtown Sal said...

You gotta be kidding me. That's something I'd expect to see on Gossip Girl but...

Anonymous said...

Havens of what went wrong with civilization even amongst the peace and solace of Montauk, huh?

The guy drinking sea water reminds me of Madame Curie. In her last days, as she was losing her teeth, hair, and various appendages, dying of radiation posioning she refused to accept that the radium she had discovered was actually killing her.

Now what, you may ask, does any of this have to do with the beauty spa at Guerney's Inn? Damned if I know. It just made me think of Mme. Curie though, and ponder whether her last days were brightened by red nail polish on her toes as they were falling off.

Writing during Marini Hour ..... EB

Anonymous said...

i cant really get over how fucking hilarious you are. its a kin of genius. I hope you are banking it somehow. Awesome.