Friday, May 11, 2007

New Script

I'm writing a new script about the last of the fag hags. She's fat, she's forty...and she really wants to get laid. That's about it-- ultimately she decides that her gay entourage is keeping her from getting she leaves them. Then she has a disastrous bout of straight bars and bad dates. Finally she meets someone on a phone line, has great phone sex... then they meet up in person.

Here's my dilemma: what's wrong with this guy? Keep in mind they've never seen each other in person. Something has to turn her off--to make her go back to her old friends by the end of the script (for the surprise ending). So maybe he's too traditional--he wants her to meet his parents, or have his children...and all she wants is hot sex?

Or is he really old? A midget? And she decides she doesn't need to be with him just because he's the only one that wants to be with her?

I'm stuck in the middle here--any suggestions are appreciated!


David Dorko said...

What if you made him both fat and baled, but she deals with that and goes to his place anyways. Then when shes there she stumbles upon things that show hes a convicted sex offender or child preditor or something. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

He used to be a woman???


David Dorko said...

Or hes acctually gay, hes just in the closet and trying to keep his concervative family happy. She denies it at first. Later she is confronted wih an issue that forces her to deal with it, and say screw it im going out.

Satyrical Dude said...

The realistic ending to this would be her picking the poor guy apart, Nora Ephron style, until a thoroughly mediocre guy is rejected in lieu of pulpy romance novel fantasies that will never be achieved. The woman's been hanging around glitz and hard bodies all her life; a normal bland Joe Schmoe would likely have no chance. I feel there shouldn't be a revelation, just a petering out of the relationship. Let it sputter and gasp to death, like a fish in a tidal pool that slowly evaporates.

Anonymous said...

Jesse, How about this. He is a gay-bashing Reverend (from Rockford,IL perhaps). At first she ignores and accomodates his viewpoints for the promise of steady, straight male company. However, one day he quotes a biblical passages (in church perhaps)dealing with peace and acceptance. Whereupon she opts to return to her true friends.
Your friend, Jimmy.

Dr. GAB said...

let me say first, i dont agre on the fact that all fag hags are fat and ugly, cause i know couple are not.
and the matter in hand, she just misses being with nice guys and being the centre of attantions , since we ghays know how to give attantion.


Alexander said...

Hmmm, usually with meeting someone you've never met before over the Internet its a free for all for the freak show. So personally I would touch on a personality that isn't usually mentioned, the effeminate straight guy. No-not the metrosexual with his nails done, hair frosted and shit, hes just "sensitive" the politically correct term for he's a pussy. He can lay it down in the sack but he simply isn't man enough for her in all other area's. Of course he's physically unappealing not fat or bald, just unattractive. Skinny small lil guy who contrasts to the woman whose fat. The more shes with him the more she wonders about his true sexuality since he seems almost feminine in all his mannerisms. One red flag that all women simply can't ignore is the one that comes up when she thinkgs "Is he gay?" She leaves him over time due the fact that shes (like women) crave a mans man. Which unfortunately brings out two truths, feminine men (who arnt gay, or attractive) will have to man up to get laid, and women who are over wieght and over 40 don't have a huge pool over men to choose from.

Anonymous said...

make him a hot guy and how about the only way he can get it up if they are on the phone, her in the guest room and him at his computer looking at really trashy euro porn, crap video's, animal stuff etc. at first she thinks it's great foreplay because almost to the point of climax he comes in and finishes the job, but she discovers his whole other underground life.

Jesse Archer said...

Thanks all for your terrific suggestions!! This hag has so many avenues to go, I may have to pick a bit of each one. And for the record, not all hags are ugly and this one is FABULOUS.

Anonymous said...

a side note, i have two "hags" one heard a knock at her door at age 9 and her mother said who is it,and she said i think its my dad. i think that is why she has never trusted men,50, single hasnt had sex in SEVEN YEARS (i would implode!) Plus she bleaches her hair out shaves it and cuts the top so short it spikes. When she said seven years i told her to buy a vibrator, she said she did but she ended up sharpening it because it had been so long..
"toxic beaver and the gays who love them on the next oprah."
Sparkle on :)