Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Luau, no-how!

I thought a Luau is what one does in Hawaii. I’ve always imagined an intimate sort of affair outside on a beach, waves crashing behind the few of us gathered around a big boar roasting on a slowly turning spit as native Hawaiians blow conches and toss flaming torches around while hula girls dance in grass skirts and then pass around the purple poi. I was wrong.

Imagine my horror when we arrive at Hiva Pasefika ("Kauai's #1 Luau!") to join a thousand tourists all wearing hibiscus print Hawaiian shirts (believe it or not these hideous items are actually worn here. Mixed and matched even--pineapple print up top, and guitar print bermuda short to go with? No problem! Yeah, it's unbelievable). Soon all thousand of us are summoned into a gigantic white wedding tent planted on a parking lot.

Casper and Mich at the Luau. We didn't stay for the show.

Forget romantic notions of Bali Hi, honey, it was a convention style family feeding frenzy in a parking lot. “What a waste of perfectly good asphalt," muses Mich, and we head to the bar because at least it was included. Except you had to wait in an endless line with the thousand hibiscus print tourists. And then, they tell us, we're only allowed one drink at a time.

“This is some kind of a scam,” says Mich, before he spots a Hawaiian hula boy with a huge pitcher of what looks to be Mai-Tai. “Over here!” hails Mich, waving, and the kid rushes over. Mich tosses the leftover ice from his empty water glass onto the ground and shoves his cup at the pitcher. “I have a drinking problem!” he squeals.

“But this is only juice,” says Hula boy and that was it. We leave. On the way out, Mich groans as he picks up his phone. “I'm calling the Better Business Bureau about this place."


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

oh lord, did you leave your fairy dust on the plane!?! first dolphin rapist's and now this! Your luck is sucking! Dont know what hotel you are staying in but go to the Four Seasons, they have a real luau, amazing mai tai"s and all the celeb sightings you can an outdoor nude male steam room/sauna shower,,grrrr sparkle ON!

Eddie said...

So you didn't even eat??? They have a grey sauce called "poi". It's the nastiest pasty substance you'll ever put in your mouth. I've been convinced for years that poi and the luau in general are the big joke the natives play on the tourists. "Try the poi!!" hee hee

Anonymous said...


Hate to say we told you so. But we did tell you that the Luau was going to suck ass: and not in the good way.

We're still in Poipu--looking for more dolphins...and observing jungle chickens in Japanese graveyards.

Come to Idaho soon.

With much aloha,

Laurie and Jared