Monday, May 28, 2007

A Finger for Flipper

There's a good reason Idaho has no access to the ocean.

On Waikiki beach we met several fun folks from Idaho Falls, Idaho. So fun, we are currently hijacking their vacation. They told us about the “Dolphin Discovery” excursion they took, and I’m envious. “Can you touch the dolphins?” I ask. “Oh sure,” says a native Idahoan named Laurie. “They’re so playful,” she gushes. “You can touch them, kiss them, even play with their private parts.”

Hold on a second.

"You jerked off the dolphins?" I ask, and Laurie says oh-no. Apart from mating season, dolphin genitalia is internal; you can only tell apart the male and females because the male genitalia resembles an exclamation point (!), while female genitalia resembles a division sign (÷). But Laurie is getting ahead of herself. Wait, I ask, please back up. Let me get this right.

“So you... fingered the dolphins?” I ask, and Laurie blushes. “Just a little bit.”

What does she mean by just a little bit? "Well," answers Laurie matter of fact. "I only had a half hour in the pool with them."

That's it. By now I am completely beside myself (which is my favorite position), but Laurie soldiers on. She doesn't feel too guilty, she says, because other tourists were doing it much more than she was. Dolphin discovery, indeed.

Somewhere underwater, dolphins are demanding their dignity back. "I can’t believe you're an animal molester!" I accuse, and Laurie shoots back. “I'm not...I’m actually an animal lover.” Uh-huh. That’s what they all say.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

that is seriously disgusting..poor dolphin..

Chad said...

Apparently dolphins are quite sexual. Have you ever heard of Dolphin Rape? Check this out...
http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphinrape.html

Anonymous said...

they are horny little bastards but come on humans rubbing them off..thats just nasty..it would be like rubbing my dogs pink thing..just ew..eww

mich lyon said...

No doubt this activity should be reported to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). It is one thing to rip a creatures hide off and wear it in winter after death by injection . . . it is quite another to inflect the long term emotional scares of molestation by fellow mammals. The people at Dolphin Encounters are much like the hierarchy of Catholic Church ignoring the plight of the innocent they should protect.

Anonymous said...

For the sake of clarity - the Catholic church subsidized my dolphin encounter.

Laurie

Anonymous said...

Laurie usually limits her sexual abuse to farm animals in Idaho.