Friday, December 15, 2006

On the W Train

I was on the subway after a modeling audition. As I held the pole of the W train downtown, I thought maybe I shouldn't have smiled and instead had a more serious, sexy pose when they snapped my photo. Then I thought about all the other boys in the room and my mind sifted them into categories: the ones I was cuter than, the equally cute ones, even the ones who could be considered cuter than me. Was I cute enough to get the gig? At that moment, the woman standing beside me looked up. Our eyes met and I visibly shuddered.

Half of her face was mashed up, actually lower than the other side of her face, like she was born that way. A sticky goo leaked out of one malformed eye. She saw me shudder, saw the shock of her ugly face register on my symmetrical face. I wished I could give her a hug or a pat on the back and apologize for my reflex. Suddenly I no longer cared if I was cute enough to get the gig. I didn't want the modeling job at all.


libertine di homo said...

the unfortunate thing is that she probably deals with that sort of reaction on a daily basis. which is pretty bloody horrible if one thinks about it. but considering out looks based society - it's how things are.

at least you had an epiphany from it - many wouldn't have.

my suggestion when you find yourself in a sitch like that? smile back at her. maybe that's all she needs.

Jim McClain said...

I totally agree with libertine di homo (I love that name). Jesse grew ten fold in those seconds. The biggest thing in humanity is to be able feel and have empathy for someone else’s pain. You are already moving towards the next step active compassion, and I think you see that a person is beautiful from the inside out. Hey I have observed gays and straights alike, and both are into the outside more than the inside. I think that is unfortunately even more so the case with gays. I think the problem with gays is they put sex first the man inside the great body is second, third or fourth down the list.(probably fourth or lower) Maybe that is why for gays a long term relationship is anything over 6 months. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the work of art that is an in shape male, but a relationship is not with the body but the (hopefully) humanity inside. See Jesse what makes you attractive is not just your body, but your humanity. Okay I don't think you'll get a big head just be things I have read of yours. Oh and libertine di homo (I do love that name) your pretty cool yourself. You guys make me feel hopeful for the future of gays as a community and in the community at large.