Thursday, October 19, 2006

EVICTION NOTICE FOR GRANDMA

Most elderly leave their old folk's homes via body bag, but not my grandma. It seems darling grandma Gloria has been evicted from her apartment at Raleigh Hills Assisted Living facility in Beaverton, Oregon.

We knew things with Grandma were a little odd when a few years back she couldn't figure out how to double a recipe. It's been a slippery slope ever since. This year alone she's accused my happily married mother of having boyfriends and my cousin of being an illegitemate love child. But I got the best.

"Jesse, my heart is ready to take the next step," said Grandma last January, "I think we should get married." At last I've lived. My grandmother proposed marriage. "That'll make headlines," I told her.

GLORIA PEARSON (right), 82, has been evicted from the old folk's home.

More recently Gloria has taken to sleeping in her recliner because she's "rented out" her bedroom to imaginary boarders. She's also been caught tending to "babies" known to the rest of us as plastic dolls. Thankfully, we haven't caught her nursing.

The latest in the saga of my beloved Grandmother came to head this past week. Apparently in her late night wanderings, Gloria opens the doors to the residences of other elderly dwellers and walks on in. One can only imagine how many other indecent proposals she's made in her two-year tenure.

She's been given 30 days to move out.

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